🧵 View Thread
🧵 Thread (17 tweets)
right, so a big part of "non-coercion" for me was trying to figure out what there even was inside me that could push/pull/power/move me in some direction i realized at some point i *couldn't* FEEL what i wanted, it freaked me the fuck out https://t.co/WC0SrBrjZi
riffing off of @visakanv, i framed a lot of the journey as developing a "taste" for what it felt like to be me, growing a sensitivity to my own experience, and a discernment of what i liked and didn't "feel the meaning/value/worth" https://t.co/zWxWweXQHs
The ability to want/value/care/like is an ability that needs to be practiced and developed. I think of Taste as developing a sensitivity to your own experience of the world. A literal sense organ that thru attention and practice you can increase the resolution of
one reason i had to even DO this was because of an accuse incident where I feel into a nihilism pit, couldn't intellectually find value in anything, and that allowed harsh angry self-judgement to ATTACK me every time i felt care/meaning/value https://t.co/yHNJTQtDgB
up until last week i kinda forgot about how that crisis actively degraded mt ability to feel. though i was blocked on all sorts of stuff in high-school, i was across the board more able to FEEL, care, and enjoy, than post existential breakdown.
i've got endless on-the-ground-guerilla-meditation style tactics for relearning to feel, but there's also an important sense in which emotionally and intellectually undoing the grip of nihilism on my heart was what allowed that change
after the breakdown, i was pretty confident i'd never feel good/okay ever. and yet i still needed to act. how to act/do/decide when nothing feels different? what i ended up with was a very symbolic/dissociated way of relating to the world
k, but what fueled the dissacoiated symbols? pain/fear/narcissism. kinda it's the difference between "oh no! I am doing Toxic Masculinity! That's Bad!" and "oh no! I am hurting myself and my loved ones in these concrete ways!" https://t.co/QrU7cRFNgh
fighting against "should" has felt like trying to fight my way out of a dissociated symbolic simulation of the world, where things in the world are robbed of their natural motive force, except when mediated through being embedded in the right social/symbolic substrate
there's lots of ways in which some narrative/symbolic structure can become more *real* than reality https://t.co/QGVFE3K4U1
acidQC said - the rest of these have been paraphrases but this one is a direct quote: "your parents created a world for you where the most real thing was how they felt about you. they successfully used money to make everything else less real by protecting you from it" https://t.co/RZhEiY2oo0
dunno if i have more thoughts. but yeah, last 3 years the "non-coercion" got primacy, now i'm thinking about things more as a quest of disassembling the dregs nihilism and narcissism in my psyche and increasing my direct contact with the world
@natural_hazard https://t.co/cLpQFc4h1N
