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of course, like with all things the more extreme you are (on either side of the spectrum!) the less likely you'll find someone you can be with sustainably adaption/evolution is simply a price you have to pay for widespread compatibility
so if it's not inherent, why are some people always anxious and others always avoidant? the reason why some people consistently end up anxiously attached to someone who's unavailable and and others always end up with someone who's too clingy is.....revealed preference. they say they hate it but they're seeking it out
thinking about a girl i know who has, in the past, left guys who were devoted to her to keep going back to cling tearfully to extremely avoidant bf the things she says she wants (loyalty, fidelity, for her bf to actually, you know, act like he likes her) she could get easily, from men who are, frankly, more "high-value" than him
secure attachment, you know, is honestly more boring than anxious attachment and makes you feel less powerful than being avoidant @VividVoid_ once wrote ("the basic flavor of sanity is disappointment") i quote that and tag him like once a week, he's a patient man
i've had to go through this...emotional readjustment with other things, with this too! and the breakthrough always came from the same place: realizing this self-sabetogey tendency was fun for me and that was why i kept indulging it. https://t.co/6AbKs81ft9
understanding this was how i became a lot saner + well adjusted very quickly. mental maladies (despair, depression, self-loathing, what have you) feel like personal, relentless torments when you're in the eye of the storm. like demons you're trying to escape all the time but they keep coming back. I read this tweet that half-jokingly said that people are actually *turned on* by these dark moods and soul-crushing emotions. And my immediate reaction to that was - that's absurd and offensive. but then it occured to me - I can shake off other moods and emotions without letting them totally control me. I can control my temper, to laugh off things that sting the ego, to smile through embarrassment and anxiety. what makes this different? and the more I examined it, the more I realized, with a sinking feeling, that I did relish it in a way. I don't mean that it was pleasant or fun, but this dark, tragic view of life allowed to avoid certain things I didn't want to confront head on, and often I was able to romanticize it in a way that was...painful but beautiful. it became increasingly clear to me that I was being self indulgent, taking a weird form of comfort in being miserable. instantly my moody self became, rather than a tragic figure, a ridiculous one. and I never wanted to be her anymore. I still get gloomy fits, but instead of feeling beset by a curse I sort of chuckle at myself, and it passes lightly.
@VividVoid_ even this! second and third were much less healthy, not sustainable at all compared to what i have now but they were more exciting. fucking ask anyone, limerence is way more absorbing than love https://t.co/pQvWhetXtE
@VividVoid_ another thread about a shitty thing i was fully self-imposing bc i kinda liked it https://t.co/bIKXBYqeS6
when I said I used to romanticize my despair I mean (in my head) this is what she looked like, and of course I took an odd sort of consolation in being her and I learned to see the ridiculousness of it, me aping Cassandra and Antigone when in reality I was just a round faced 20 year old rotting under a blanket, heaping misery after misery on her own head while the birds were chirping outside and she had all her youth and health and wits at her disposal and then my despair was no longer a nymph ravished by fate, she was just a clown, frankly, and I was able to laugh at her, and she had no power over me any more.
to be clear this works because we both absolutely despite weakness and codependency mostly the same amount. but i hated it a *bit* more than him and until i moved myself closer to where he was it did cause a little friction some gaps are too big to bridge tho
If you guys don’t get why anxious attachment is fun, it’s like the parable of the prodigal son “Winning” someone’s validation is more of a high than always having it. And it’s easier to value a thing if you’re always afraid of losing it
If you don’t proactively intentionally practice gratitude, you take shit for granted and start to become bored and dissatisfied w your blessings This is how people who repeatedly chase anxious attachment experience secure attachment. Just meh
When you talk to someone who always ends up in avoidantly attached relationships, it’s always like “Yeah we’re fine. She gets super needy sometimes and we fight when that happens.” I almost always notice a smug undertone when referencing their partner’s neediness. Toxic avoidants will even push their partner’s buttons/boundaries bc they relish the fact that they won’t leave, they’re too obsessed. It’s complete freedom and power
Idk how to differentiate someone who’s addicted to the tension vs someone who actually wants to have their needs met + meet your needs One thing I did notice: my current bf never went on about how his exes made him feel, just how they weren’t aligned and what he ideally wanted