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understanding this was how i became a lot saner + well adjusted very quickly. mental maladies (despair, depression, self-loathing, what have you) feel like personal, relentless torments when you're in the eye of the storm. like demons you're trying to escape all the time but they keep coming back. I read this tweet that half-jokingly said that people are actually *turned on* by these dark moods and soul-crushing emotions. And my immediate reaction to that was - that's absurd and offensive. but then it occured to me - I can shake off other moods and emotions without letting them totally control me. I can control my temper, to laugh off things that sting the ego, to smile through embarrassment and anxiety. what makes this different? and the more I examined it, the more I realized, with a sinking feeling, that I did relish it in a way. I don't mean that it was pleasant or fun, but this dark, tragic view of life allowed to avoid certain things I didn't want to confront head on, and often I was able to romanticize it in a way that was...painful but beautiful. it became increasingly clear to me that I was being self indulgent, taking a weird form of comfort in being miserable. instantly my moody self became, rather than a tragic figure, a ridiculous one. and I never wanted to be her anymore. I still get gloomy fits, but instead of feeling beset by a curse I sort of chuckle at myself, and it passes lightly.