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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago

This message from my mom "我就沒有要改變你" => "I'm not trying to change you"Been crying the last 30+ minutes as I've realized I've been enough and am loveablehttps://t.co/DMFZHI0bJ9 https://t.co/uvygVZo5X0

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago

Holy fuck I’ve been waiting 30 years to hear her say this and it just casually happened over a text exchange after a slightly testy phone conversation https://t.co/o9HtUK5RnU

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i've always felt like my mom wanted me to change, that i needed to be some way for her to love me, that her love was conditional. i'm realizing on some deep level i internalized that as "i'm not loveable. there's something wrong with me" https://t.co/MihjD90QLf

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago

On some level i still believe that I need to change for my parents

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

and thus any love that i had was a fluke (so i need to be anxious about losing it?)

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

"maybe if i change enough i'll be good enough, my mom will love me, i'll be loveable"

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

and from that place, i lashed out: "my mom sucks, shes this and that". projecting the judgments that were so hurtful for me. "well if i'm not good enough it's because she's not good enough" https://t.co/H049Vysuth

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago

My mom gets extremely defensive. My whole life I had judgments like “she doesn’t listen, she can’t admit fault, she’s unreasonable, obstinate, can only see her own perspective”. Later, I floated the label “narcissistic”. I hated this about her, for how much pain it caused me

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

and through this deep, tragic misunderstanding, decades of tender love lost😭😭😭 i asked for her forgiveness

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

love is not this scarce thing that i need to desperately cling to. ive been surrounded, immersed in it the whole time, just too blind, defensive, hurt to see it. i am loveable. i am good enough. always have been 🌏👨‍🚀🔫👨‍🚀🌌

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i've always had ideal parents https://t.co/3gTGl3GWEx

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago

fuck fictional ideal parents, ive had ideal parents the whole fucking time i've just been too blind to see it https://t.co/auk0xkcjgX

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Eason C 🖤🌱 Suomessa 🇫🇮@easoncxzalmost 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

@justavagrant_ Unimaginable in my mind that the "love" or the change-of-mind in this case could feel convincingly-real enough for you to have a big bawl.

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9/24/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_almost 2 years ago
Replying to @easoncxz

@easoncxz Yeah it only makes sense in the context of months of major, emotional, revealing conversations leading up to it https://t.co/Oru5OyBB1Q

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_about 2 years ago

compilation thread of major conversations/interactions ive had with my mom on my journey:

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