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Because it is easier. It feels worth going along with. > Compare to what? Going to sleep. Or trying to work. > What's wrong with those? Going to sleep . . . just doesn’t feel. Hypothetically it’s easier but . . . > But?
> You're saying it has no expectations. Yes. There no I should do this or not, no I should know how to do this or shouldn't. There's just what is now, and what calls to be done. https://t.co/Td2m5XwgbB
“Ah yes, I will sleep, so I may not fall behind later. I work, so I may not fall behind later. I rest, so I may somehow get better and not fall behind later.” https://t.co/MJ3dsu4br7
> What is the game of the devil? It is the game of expectations. It is the game set by parents, authorities. It is the game where I feel small and dislikable; if anyone liked me, it's because I had them fooled, became I don’t like me; I am critical.
I am exhausting to be around. https://t.co/2clkriB4wb
> Sounds very much like the game of the devil Yah. When I’m playing the game of the devil, there is no happy; not really. The best is something more like: just being relieved. Temporarily, of the pressure. That’s what I thought happiness was for a while https://t.co/y0baTX4N1a
> Might there be another reason to sleep? Yeah. If I'm just planning to enjoy it. [makes me smile] I'd be happy to just enjoy that way. I'd enjoy that just as much as going to the gym. > They’re both playing the game of god.
> Which one would you prefer? They’re both pleasurable. [🤔] At that point, I wouldn’t mind choosing the gym, just because it works out slightly better for my future. > Why 🤔? It’s weird to call going to the gym pleasurable. > That’s the confusion you started with, innit?
Yeah. It’s just weird. > What’s weird about it? It's just . . . for the longest time I thought I wasn’t supposed to hurt myself. > Reminds me of: https://t.co/b5RzByBOhz
> Not hurt yourself? Yeah. Like I could do sometime painful if it was novel, developed mastery, or something else. But that’s about it. If I allowed myself to get more pain than that, then I was doing someone wrong. https://t.co/uB9l4TNBlU
> Ouch. That seemed visceral Yeah!! 😢😭😭😢😢 [lots of crying] I just wanted to make the right decision. https://t.co/pEyhZmXRcf
And to be clear, just lying on my bed, trying to pick up the waterbottle, not being sure if I should, feels 𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘺 bad. It’s one of the worst things I can experience, worse than a lot of physical pain. My mind torments me more than anything else can. https://t.co/chQa90Almm
What’s more is I don't think people get this. I don't think this is something communicable, and so it barely feels real. > It seems really fucking real, personally, being you, and knowing your head, and knowing this is exactly the kind of thing that would pain you.
Should I buy a $2 water bottle? Or not? Both just hurt so much. I just wanted to get the decision right, but I wouldn't, couldn't. https://t.co/kIQcdjSGiU
> That thread you wrote that you've been quoting from like 4-5, it may just be one of the most important ones you've written. Yeah, like this one. https://t.co/2clkriB4wb
Both feel like crazy-making. Both literally feel *insane* to talk about loud. Both also are literally 24/7 my experience so I can't deny it either. https://t.co/W1hDRIS3af
And her case is one of the more common ones, I imagine. > So what? If she feels crazy . . . and actually her experience is relatable and common, maybe mine is too. > Maybe. If anyone reads this. Hello future me. I love you for writing these.
I don't know if you would have dared to articulate any of this otherwise. Without this weird “Start tweet”, finish 280 characters, link other teeth, “Add tweet to thread,” “Hit publish” buttons. https://t.co/uCRWDrqdRR
This is my private journal, and I don’t know why a 1000 people are reading it. Including you, my future employer. Why? What did you think you were doing to find here?? Did my thread on dating yourself help you? I’m so glad. Do you want to check out horney meditation too? https://t.co/BdI6nS6B5R
this is the context from today https://t.co/lWSHVKPG6C