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If I wake up at 8:30am: - I already feel guilty somehow If I wake up at 6:30am: - There’s no guilt; it’s too early for that. - I’m only driven by beauty. I felt my worrying mind activate like 60 seconds after I woke up today. It was so obvious. https://t.co/niWjHUj53d
My first few days: - felt like reverence - went to the gym after - felt like an active relationship with beauty My last few days: - hate myself, don’t know what im doing - worrying mind, wakes up with me - been waking later (8:30am, not 6:00am) https://t.co/31r6r6dg9P
It’s like I have two modes of navigating in the world. - The first is I’m motivated by worthy contexts. - The second is I do things because of my worrying mind. I used the second for most of my life. I only knew what it was like to have the second.
Doing things in the second way (with the worrying mind) doesn’t feel very fun. But it’s all I had for a while, you know? It was the best I knew. Still sort of is. https://t.co/A5h3WcSL39
With the worrying mind, when I accomplish achievements, there’s a sort of of hollow pleasure that I previously mapped as “victory! this is good.” Really, it was more like “relief” than “pleasure.” https://t.co/M3k1Bvj4ed
But I don’t want to minimise it. It still meant something v special to me. I won’t be the one to minimise it https://t.co/SPe9VVlSRK
Really, it was more like, “I can sufficiently cope inside this metal box, rather than feel embodied happiness.” https://t.co/DwAWgA4gxi
I was so far from feeling embodied happiness, feeling anything embodied—I couldn’t have imagined it being happy. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 would have seemed like a cope to me. https://t.co/fm7zlAwWgr
It was more like, “I feel less stressed working on a coding/writing/leadership project obsessively, because I feel vaguely in control and success at manipulating my environment, and that’s what the worrying mind wants.” I felt I was happy. https://t.co/d9trMOEI8q
Feeling motivated by worthy contexts feels so different. I’m not confused about the incredible agency I have. Nor do I feel confused about the fact that there’s certain things I can’t just make happen. https://t.co/cLCoxnqJUf
Worrying mode feels like being a bit blind, or in an altered state, where I can’t think so much, as much as stumble around based on foggy preconceptions. Preconceptions formed earlier, with a degree of clarity of the mind I’m not equal to, so I can’t edit or eliminate.
compare: coming from emptiness, where all form can and is dissolved clarity in some sense ~= incisive emptiness, destructive noticing https://t.co/f2nc5mEzZ6
feels more like coming from the emptiness of the moment. https://t.co/NlJvHJmaLs