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My wife predicts divorces & failed relationships with stunning accuracy and I have learned a few of her tricks relationships are fucking hard, and to work they need a sort of functional âeconomyâ (gratitude, laughter, kindness) and waste elimination system (pain, resentment)
R/ships typically fail either bc the economy died (no happiness) or the trash pileup in the street made it inhabitable (too miserable to function). Both have symptoms & warning signs you can look out for. (wife notices these YEARS before me; itâs insane) https://t.co/24TsvoSasz
Just as how âthe score takes care of itselfâ, there are some fundamental structural things that need to exist in order to manage a relationshipâs economy - the equivalent of things like rule of law, a reliable money supply. Especially necessary for weathering inevitable disasters
âHow will this couple handle a year of unexpected misery, caused either by one, both, or neither partiesâ? Will they talk about it honestly & openly with each other? Do they *really* listen to each other? Do they speak of each other with tenderness? Do they build each other up?
A serious relationship is a massive undertaking, a heavy burden on your back. Itâs like lifting weights, actually. You need to have good form. You can tell when someone has bad form, the weight is going to fuck them. But do it well and you get stronger https://t.co/RLffYYOZaf
Spending a lot of time together doesnât actually mean as much as people think it does. Spending a lot of money (that you can afford), going on fancy vacations together, throwing a fancy party (ahem: weddings) all donât mean much. All of those things are actually easy and trivial
The âkillerâ signs: - Contempt. Doesnât matter if youâre laughing as you jokingly put each other down. One day it wonât be funny. - Dismissiveness. âUgh, sheâs always like thatâ - Indifference. ânah itâs nbd whateverâ This is bad form - when the hard times hit, theyâll buckle
But to be honest Iâm trying to make things up that make sense, like a bird trying to explain aerodynamics. I donât actually know how I know that shit. I just happen to know how to fly and I can âjust tellâ when someone else isnât going to be able to https://t.co/mKKqWf7nFr
I infer a lot from body language and eye contact. A couple that is close will make eye contact often. Not necessarily stare lovingly into each otherâs eyes (my wife and I actually donât do this much), but just âre-syncâ regularly to get frequent snapshots of each otherâs state
Kinda relatedly, if one half of a couple rolls their eyes dismissively when the other is talking (exception if itâs in a funny way- but you see what a dangerous thin line humor can be), thatâs a huge red flag. Literally predicts divorces (disrespect + contempt, lightly masked)
A sad warning sign: when one person has to constantly apologise for the other. Itâs usually women apologising for their boyfriends. Donât do it. It rarely gets better. If often gets worse. And yâall often put up with it for *years* longer than you should. Let him go sis https://t.co/sYAhWA0N8j
You werenât put on this earth to apologise for somebody else! You donât have time for that. Itâs a full time job apologising for yourself đ ^ see, this is a joke that doesnât put anybody down. Anybody who needs to make other people feel weak/small/foolish etc is a red flag https://t.co/tHIzi8Sgyo
Lmao, on my timeline right now. Politics aside, what a grotesque marriage, what a miserable relationship, what a sad life. This is beyond a zombie marriage, this is like actively antagonistic. Spouse as villain/enemy https://t.co/TenVPXf4tm
Oh hey we could probably do a whole âgreat marriageâ thread entirely with Obama gifs. Contrast these with Donald and Melania - just try to imagine the latter couple behaving like this. Thatâs it, thatâs the heuristic. Are they more like Obamas or Trumps https://t.co/syfHB7mwFp
Itâs actually quite amazing how dramatic the difference can be https://t.co/nPlVportE6
Some additional nuance about quality time Also, while being rich wonât guarantee relationship success, one of the biggest causes of divorce is financial conflict / debt-related frustration Getting it right isnât enough but getting it wrong will cost you https://t.co/9YJr57Ti8x
A thing I wrote once about how my wife and I (try to) manage our logistics https://t.co/XXArizBssU
Sure! Basically, in a marriage, youâre going to have to deal with the costs incurred by your partnerâs mistakes. THEY forgot something, THEY messed something up, you did your part but THEY didnât. This is painful and frustrating https://t.co/NUF5P4yCIE
It will become easy to get angry & frustrated with your partner - especially since youâre in such close proximity and your actions impact each other so much. So you need a system to acknowledge, address and resolve all this pain and resentment. IMO this is more intimate than sex https://t.co/yS96J5mqr5
Iâm not saying Iâm an expert. I just have some experience to share. Nobodyâs perfect. But if you want a good shot at making things work you gotta do your due diligence & check in, regularly, even when youâre tired, especially when itâs hard. Itâs very easy to overlook this https://t.co/MBHaW9MDWb
Acknowledge the mess, and work at it https://t.co/QQjEV36Y8Y
"The problem most people have with marriages that fail is that they go in thinking, "This person will make me happy." The fuck they will." "You aren't signing on for happiness. You are signing on for sharing human life, and a human life is a complete chaotic crazy mess." https://t.co/YucqwcSgpg
Thereâs a death spiral that goes like this: 1. youâre tired so you hit snooze on difficult conversations 2. your backlog from 1 is overwhelming 3. You start spacing out in each otherâs presence (how was your day? fine). life is now a series of chores 4. The âsparkâ is gone
5. Since itâs all chores and the spark is gone, youâre subtly colder and more uncharitable towards each other. Youâre both play-acting corporate shells at this point and itâs very unpleasant. Fight over trivial thing like dishes or laundry 6. Everything gets worse; cycle worsens https://t.co/PdbeBO0xBv
So the meta skill is to recognise that this is a spectrum. I think it was Esther Perel who said âyou gotta know how to bring it backâ. This is likely unique to each couple. But you can see it: how open and psychologically/emotionally intimate people are with each other https://t.co/PuQGeyWZx7
Just to emphasise: we never root for any relationship to fail. Life is hard and love is precious, and we want all of our friends to flourish and be happy. Itâs just unfortunate that people are so often unprepared for the work. May you all nourish + be nourished in every way â¤ď¸ https://t.co/5g3L8ke4MS
Btw my wife is really smart and funny and yâall would enjoy this thread https://t.co/PyG4tg0AOU