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Before my son transitioned, we worked out a set of conditions together that he had to meet so that we could both feel confident it was the right move: 1. No chemicals or surgery before 18. Period. 2. He needed to be able to dispassionately recite opposing positions, including difficult and critical perspectives, on the subjects of transgender identity and transition as a treatment for gender dysphoria. 3. He needed to fully research and understand the potential complications, including tail risks like deformation, lifelong pain and dependence on the medical industry 4. Two years of therapy dedicated to gender dysphoria issues to see if they could be resolved that way 5. A long weekend in the woods on solo meditation retreat, praying to God and communing with the deepest parts of the self to be sure this would be the right decision. After doing all of these, and a lot of time for contemplation, he elected to begin transitioning when he was almost 20. Given the severity of his symptoms, it was the best option for him. I don't think most critics of medical transition are against it when it's a fully measured intervention that genuinely treats human suffering. I think most critics are horrified by the nonchalance of our culture toward children and vulnerable adults electing to have genuinely life-changing procedures in an atmosphere of social contagion, profit-driven medical malfeasance, and uncritical ideological pressure. But when transition is fully and wisely considered, and limited to consenting adults, I think it saves lives, and the art should be not only preserved, but deepened and improved.
@VividVoid_ It was a therapist who told me, when I casually mentioned secretly being a guy my whole life, that I didn't need therapy, I needed hormones and surgery. Boy you gotta really be careful with therapists out there.
@VividVoid_ you really can just do all things w love, even personally+politically fraught things, things that may cause relational rupture, things that require skill and deftness of care and persistence. VV you and your son are real ones
You clearly approached this with care, wisdom, and love, far more than most parents ever muster for any decision. I know I would be crushed inside, even if I had done everything right. The framework you created, anchored in reason, conscience, and reverence for your son’s soul, is one of the most thoughtful I’ve ever seen. How did you make it through? Did you ever feel torn, even after the steps were complete? Do you carry any self-blame, or have you found peace in how it unfolded? I ask not to pry, but because I admire your posts, and I know this could have broken many lesser men.
This is really kind of you. Yes, the process has been full of ambivalence and doubt, and what parent wouldn't stay up at night wondering if they'd done something to bring this much suffering on their child. I do wish that he didn't need to go through this. But it's not a small consolation to see him happy and healthy after so many years of misery. The less I make it about me The easier it gets
God, I feel for you here. I can’t imagine how heavy this has been. Did you have to mourn the loss of your son in some way, the version of him you once dreamed would become a man? I know it’s not about you, but still, that kind of inner grief must echo for a long time. I also wonder, gently: do you feel outside influences (school, peers, media) nudged him along, or do you believe this would’ve emerged no matter what? Thank you for sharing all of this so openly.
@FullVerity Yes, there was definitely an element of social contagion, but that's why the wait was so important. I should clarify he was born female, and yes, I had to grieve the loss of a daughter. But in all the important ways he's the same person, just with a different way of Being
@VividVoid_ Though I also made what I felt/feel was a good call alone at age 20 after a similar long, serious, self-honest, and contemplative period of cost-benefit analysis, I couldn't have done that analysis successfully alone these days, in this political climate. Thanks for parenting.
@VividVoid_ Yes. As a person who is, at this point, quite skeptical at most trans issues and ideologies, this is something I have a hard time falling fault with this. A sad, unfortunate situation, and I will admit I'm sad at his choice. But pain exist, disease exists, these things happen.
Does your son care about deadnaming and misgendering? I feel like most people that are against trans people are annoyed by these superficial things (like expecting strangers or "conservatives" to respect pronouns) that are only the ripples on the surface of the much deeper, more complex reality.
@VividVoid_ 1) is a massive ask because you're having them go through the wrong puberty, which isn't reversible. "I don't think most critics of medical transition are against it when it[...] treats human suffering." You're projecting. They do actually hate trans people.
@VividVoid_ I’ve never heard someone describe this quite the way you have here, admittedly I’m pretty naive to these issues. But I just wanted to say you came across as both compassionate and responsible and I think that’s very commendable. Good on you 🥰
@VividVoid_ delaying until after puberty out of caution probably works better for FtM than MtF transitions - testosterone puberty does a LOT of semi-irreversible stuff. not to say caution is not warranted then, but your exact approach would have more downsides
The reason many people support youth transition measures is because there are many adult trans people who didn't transition until adulthood who were ignored and sometimes abused for expressing their desires in youth, even pre-pubescently. If you're really concerned about poor decisions before someone understands the implications fully, the magical cut off date of 18 isn't even scientific considering the brain doesn't reach full maturity until later. Testosterone has some hard to reverse effects on voice and bone structure, because of how sexual dimorphism works, that's another reason a lot of people are against completely delaying any intervention in MtF patients. The actual standards of care have always prevented/recommended against any youth surgery and even in many cases only allowed puberty blockers to delay the final decision rather then beginning full HRT. Youth transition is recommended to only be social with puberty delaying. There may be doctors that don't follow the standards of care, but yeah.
@VividVoid_ It's interesting to see this tweet pissing off the radicals on both sides. You did what you could as a parent, and this has to be the most thoughtful post I've read on the subject. I hope your son gets to live the life he's always wanted to live.
@VividVoid_ I love a post from a parent's perspective and how you addressed the critics with your grounded experience as well. Thank you so much for sharing! It's amazing that your son has a supportive parent that accepts him for who he is
@VividVoid_ Could you share your thoughts on puberty blockers? I see merit both in waiting for the person to be mature enough to make such decisions, but also in avoiding undesired pubertal changes that cannot be fully reversed.
@VividVoid_ If changing your physiology down to the chromosomes were as safe, cheap, and easy as putting on a new shirt - and just as easy to reverse - I don't think that changing genders would bother most people whom it bothers today. I wish discourse centered on honesty about today's SOTA.
@VividVoid_ >I don't think most critics of medical transition are against it when it's a fully measured intervention that genuinely treats human suffering. no, they are. most of them won't even acknowledge that hormones affect the brain, at least for negative natal hormone effects
@VividVoid_ Well said... I think one of the biggest issues is that we are speaking collectively at large about something affecting a minority. The discourse has thus far been largely politically motivated and imo has become caricature in respects to the actual people dealing with this...
@VividVoid_ “No hormones (or blockers) before age 18” does not reduce the chance of successfully passing as an adult FTM. But it does significantly reduce the chance of passing as an adult MTF. Not recognizing the irreversible effects of male puberty on physical appearance is disingenuous.
I don't know what to tell you all, we just spent a great day together and now we're cooking dinner The unhinged, ungrounded quality of the average replies to this, from both right and left, have absolutely convinced me we did the right thing. (Which we decided on. Together.)