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i used to rely on objects and places a lot for comfort.however, as i made plans to run away from my parents, i had to slowly mentally prepare myself to be okay with having fewer comfort objects. i could only bring what would fit inside my backpack.
after running away from my parents, i ended up in what would become an abusive relationship. i was really bpd and kept changing my mind on whether or not i wanted to be in the relationship, while my partner was really bpd as well and *needed* comfort that i wouldn't leave her.
i eventually made up my mind that i wanted *out* of the relationship. but, my partner wouldn't accept this.she kept trying to convince me to stay. since i'd still be stuck living with her family, as i had no other option, i tried to keep this up for a bit longer.
but, she wanted more and more to convince me not to leave.she wanted access to my passwords, and my passwords for my computer and phone.these were my comfort objects. giving her access to these felt like giving her access to my mind.
even before she had the remote access, she would adjust the settings on my devices to her liking. she didn't want the devices to be customized for *my* needs, she wanted everything to be shared, and customized to fit her.this deeply bothered me.
i was in a relationship i didn't want to be in, and my partner was taking away my only source of physical comfort.i talked about my discomfort with this on twitter and discord. but, my partner would eventually end up seeing this, which made things worse.
she started checking my twitter regularly, and would make me go through my DMs every day to make sure i wasn't messaging other people about her.she originally did the same with my discord, but after i had enough "freak-outs", she took away my discord account entirely.
she didn't like how i'd spend a while browsing twitter on the toilet, so she took away my phone while i was on there, and only let me use hers. eventually, she wouldn't let me go anywhere without her, not even the bathroom.i was essentially cut off from the outside world.
and, while all of this was happening, she would frequently get into arguments with her parents (which we were living with), and they would frequently threaten to kick us out.i was already a traumatized mess when i came there, and this made things so much worse.
ever since i arrived, i would refuse to go anywhere without my packed backpack, which was essentially a "go-bag". my partner tried to convince me this was silly, but i absolutely fucking refused.i put more effort into making a better "go-bag", especially once i had a job.
i tried to make it look like this was just because i wanted nice things. in reality, i was planning to run away from my partner, while also trying to be prepared for being kicked out at basically any time.i eventually made this better "go-bag", and started planning to run away.
and, after making a secret discord account that i would only login to while at work, i finally had a place to run *to*.one day, i tried to leap on my chance. but, there was one glaring issue: my partner didn't have work that day, and was home (albeit asleep).
that was an uncomfortable time. after a long conversation, i played along and promised her another chance. i guess this wasn't my first time dealing with an abusive living situation.but i was still planning on leaving. and one night, a week later, i succeeded.
after i left that relationship, my partner realized what she did to me was deeply fucked up (there is a *lot* i didn't mention here!). i don't really care much about it now.but it deeply fucked up my ability to comfort myself, and i'm still undoing the damage to this day.
this is how i ended up relying on drugs for comfort. because i was traumatized out of every other source of comfort i could find, until this is all i had left.i don't blame the drug for this. if i *had* to blame someone, it would be the people who did this to me.
but, i hope this story at least shows that it's far more complicated than just "this drug is addictive, therefore it's bad".the kind of person who actively seeks out trying hard drugs likely isn't doing great. they likely have deep-rooted issues like i do.
i hope this provides a bit more context to those "i tried heroin and now i'm addicted to it" type of posts on the internet.i wouldn't recommend needlessly trying strong opioids, they are very addictive. but, in those types of stories, there's more than just the drug at play.
i decided to write about this after finishing up this threadhttps://t.co/aiNPgOsOkF