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sometimes i hate past versions of myself, or people who remind me of past versions of myself, because i consider him irredeemable i worry, looking upon them, that they cannot be saved. so far are they from the painstaking growth i now have and cling to. so forsaken
@visakanv kind of. maybe. they’re not me, though, and "hope" is a weaker word than "will" https://t.co/XXi7PN5Go6
@visakanv i think this last tweet of the thread really sums up the whole thing. isn’t that funny https://t.co/VoWAz2xtEQ
@AskYatharth https://t.co/tTtuVGhyFM
but we can't fix our friends. we can't fix our family. we can't fix our children. they are not our property to fix. we can only be present with them. few people have spent much time ever being truly present. it's rejuvenating, transformative https://t.co/cmHHDsv5vN
it almost feels more like grief. i feel grief on their behalf. a sort of childlike belief "they’re not going to be ok". i know the despair that used to grip my throat. the desperate searching for something else
i worry if they’re ever going to make it. im angry they’re not trying harder. i feel a thousand things, but one: comfort with letting go of where i am today the water of good that rushed into my cave, i don’t want to let it go. i don’t want to go back. to the emptiness
that’s not me, the guy with the empty cave https://t.co/9JKSwcz4w6 https://t.co/XtWFUqXiqz
sometimes water rushes into the cave of the heart. fills it up, this cave that was so parched, so dry. and i want to freeze this water. so joyful it is! to have a companion. i beseech the feeling to stay. "stay! it's been so long without you. i'll make a bed"
im not a parent but dare i say, when i look at those people who remind me of me, i want to rescue them and it hurts, that i can’t. that they’re their own person i don’t have access to their insides like my own https://t.co/spqzC6mgtP
im not allowed. im not allowed to shake them, confront them, make em more like "tolerable version of me" than "intolerable version of me" simply bcause i can’t tolerate a pain in them that resonates with pain in me they put me in contact not just with their pain, but my own pain
even though today me feels better, living as that past version of me still haunts me, and seeing it live in someone else is seeing the reflection of the ghost that’s been silently following me around ive been silently ignoring https://t.co/AwQLrxDm4G
i apologise to anyone who’s sensitive to this and picks up on this. i do feel hostility when i see old versions of me. the hairs on my neck do raise. what can i say, but it’s at least as much about me as you https://t.co/jWP0pZL4Rh
@love_of_reason i can't speak for what you (and daniel) feel, but i will say personally, i do feel some sort of hostility to some past versions of myself. i don't love them, i judge them. it's something i imagine you might be particularly attuned to. just know it's not about you, it's about me
alice miller says when children suffer unimaginable wounding, they tend to either pick the grandiose route and rise above it all, so far above their pain they can’t feel it, or the depressive route, where they live in the pain
my own pain, in me, i can just about barely tolerate. i mean, i did for 20 years. i tolerated my feelings of pain, by avoiding them by constantly trying, constantly making plans, efforts to change things https://t.co/tz615M4HOr
when i see that pain in others, and see them not trying as hard as me to change themselves, not coping with it the way i did, to make it just about tolerable— i feel my pain much more honestly. there’s less to immediately do. to immediately avoid it
but just maybe it only hurts just enough i can spend more time with the hurt directly than before https://t.co/F42fYYr184
"we can't fix our friends. we can't fix our family. we can't fix our children. they are not our property to fix." "we can only be present with them. few people have spent much time ever being truly present. it's rejuvenating, transformative" https://t.co/XMIhfNCPoQ
but we can't fix our friends. we can't fix our family. we can't fix our children. they are not our property to fix. we can only be present with them. few people have spent much time ever being truly present. it's rejuvenating, transformative https://t.co/cmHHDsv5vN
@AskYatharth i feel i have a bunch of grief to move for this also, but im quite happy about how i relate to the grief - as another form of love - those past versions deserved better and i wasnt able to give them that (they weren't able to give themselves that)