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was in Topanga Valley yesterday and it felt like being in enemy territory like being at an Erewhon, or https://t.co/McHjsoHMrO
in the song circle groups i found that do this, they don’t dress beautifully pixel perfect. they don’t talk beautifully perfectly spiritual. there’s no pretence. it’s just a song circle. it just happens to also accidentally feel spiritual to me
somehow me singing about the elements is fine, asheville people singing about the elements is fine, my song circle communities singing about elements is fine, but when they do it felt shallow, crass, dangerous i can’t explain it but i felt terrified invisible
why the fuck was i hanging out so close with people when my body was so clearly a no? what was wrong with *me*? as far as i could tell, these people were just innocent people, some from material privileged, some not, who found some sort of home here, and liked to do this
and… i could tell, it was good for me to take it slow around them i have spent a lot of time in this “almost-match” of a space — where they say the same things, and do the same things, but in a way that feels so wrong in my body so *FUCKING* wrong i have to capitalise it
I had unique vulnerabilities to this environment vulnerabilities that came, in part, from growing up, and not having my felt sense of "no" feel enough https://t.co/BWa1URdj2a
the specific fuckiness of the environment and specific vulnerabilities of me were a perfect fit. it's what kept me from just leaving Bay Area spirituality earlier this is how all cults work. there's a fuckiness-vulnerability match https://t.co/bX4xmQakQa
my body was reacting violently, trying to beg my mind to just fucking leave, because it sensed i did not feel good here. i felt https://t.co/ngisyNd5Jb https://t.co/jU7UWYTADp
taking distance briefly is what i needed. until i could breathe, and hear myself again https://t.co/7Jb5l1NOoK
something about that was just… calming? like ah, i am happy, warm, fun vibing with me again i did end up having some happy, warm fun vibing with people there, but there was a lot more holding of myself, and my connection with myself
it was the right distance. i could feel myself, while still feeling their fire https://t.co/YZJOUzINuX
anyway, im returning to the Bay Area soon, and im going to be surrounded by all this again, so its nice to gain some skills and experience - if im beginning to feel a no, honour it - no need to find a reason then - find enough distance i can hear myself https://t.co/ddTFWkai78
one of my most woo beliefs about the bay area is that it's filled with like spiritual radioactive waste from the 60s that seeped into the spiritual groundwater. cults grow there specifically like weeds. insane background energies which is why i don't want to move back
i will plainly state, a lot of this spiritual aesthetic, and Bay Area spirituality, is ~often codependent, rootless and co-opted will it bother you? is it present in a particular place? 🤷♂️. gotta smell it, that's what discernment is for
anytime there's the signature of codependency, with cults with NXIVM, or rationalists, or this it won't affect everyone the same. thousands of people will benefit, without any harm, and wonder what the hullaboo is about
and the specific people with a specific fuckiness-vulnerability fit will get fucked over, thrown soul over head, and wonder what the heck happened. @QiaochuYuan is excellent about documenting his version of that on his account https://t.co/Xor1DhVngO
that did something literally magical to the atmosphere i'm not sure i've seen anywhere else to this day. we had temporarily just made it completely *socially* normal to be in unbelievably agonizing amounts of emotional pain. this was so exactly what i needed i can't express it
at some point, the questions need to go from "is environment X bad" to "is environment X a yes or no" because good/bad is something the mind does, with reasons, and that's like 500 steps behind where your bodily yes/no is
as an aside— it's funny to me i used the exact same analogy last time i felt creeped out about this something about white picket fences has great archetypical value as the place the soul first becomes invisible, goes to die at the hands of status https://t.co/rDuMB3X2wl
i feel as terrified at the idea of being stuck in a community like this as married to a wife who cares about playing the conventional nyc status money and house and weekend party games stuck in someone else’s game, someone else’s lane, that i have no interest in
>Every woman alive knows why she washed the floors first https://t.co/K1TmU25RTA
>One day, years later, after washing the kitchen and the living room floors by hand, she slipped into her best silk blouse…and her big hat. She pressed her husband's shotgun to the roof of her mouth, and pulled the trigger. Every woman alive knows why she washed the floors first https://t.co/S3qhTy1HRX
it occurs to me what im learning is something a wolf mother teaches all her pups >if it's threatening and bigger than you, flee; if it's weaker, see what you want to do https://t.co/RtHvTJsYYe https://t.co/9RZPGiL12q
something Women Who Run With the Wolves talks about, that little girls do not understand, that i did not understand, is that there truly are predators that are bigger than you, and will rip you to shreds the basic wisdom that when you see sth threatening & bigger than you, flee https://t.co/pmPG5G6S4W
@AskYatharth looks like there's a theme in the field tonight https://t.co/lzpf67UkEY
idk which one of my IFS parts needs to hear this but, trust your vibe check. trust your gut. trust your ick report. trust your vague sense of knowing. trust your uncanny recollection of the unwelcome familiar. trust your read of the room. trust your intuition. trust your grok.