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part of me that feels ~emboldened in relationship with other people then there’s part of me that feels worried, scared, frozen, looking to satisfy them that i am good https://t.co/klxPmHhviE
anyway, this is on my mind because romantic intimacy has always been hard for me, and still is. people always say, intimacy with parents and romantic partners is the final boss. well, i love my parents now, unironically and simply, but it's still hard with romance https://t.co/4QArkY4pQs
sometimes that second part would get so intense, i can’t do anything but either try to please them like an obsequious puppy or sabotage the relationship until they went away i think thats what being “triggered” is. the part becomes so active i become nothing but the part
example of what i’m calling sabotage https://t.co/20OODWvk5C
loop loop loop, the part loops in on itself trying to use strategies it learned at that age — in my case, mental strategies, definitely not being honest https://t.co/ALtTTGSXO5
im describing all this with words, but words aren’t part of the picture so much besides sort of being a safe, low intensity way to be with what is because the words aren’t what is. the movement just is what it is
it’s helpful for me to notice when i’m thinking from a regulated place to help me a problem vs thinking to regulate myself because i’m panicked and desperately trying to loop thoughts till this emergency passes
thinking becomes this attempt to interrupt life — the natural rhythm and flow of operating with an open heart, in union with the environment — instead of this beautiful facility to solve problems sometimes that interruption lasts years, sometimes generations https://t.co/XRTbSvHBrl
one of the things ive been thinking about is how children need "go signals" from their adults to keep feeling safe and exploring https://t.co/1BAoSNMguG
else they just kind of stop and turn all attention on the adult. a sad inversion of the attention architecture https://t.co/m64iKuysEK
@HephaistosF @jessicamalonso forcing attention begins reinforcing an attentional architecture where the baby isn’t managing their own state of overwhelm but always paying attention to other people from a place of overwhelm https://t.co/SlkD3jlKL5
benevolent attention from an inner adult helps start rewriting that attention architecture https://t.co/mLdqyYGkXq
