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there's a speed to them, on top of her inclination to jump from topic to topic that just feels like kind of an onslaught, and im constantly backpedaling trying to stay grounded/centered https://t.co/ExRB3keIu3
Hour 1 of being home: caught off center by the casual onslaught of directions from my mom “do this, do that”. All clearly from love but I already noticed a spark of annoyance. Hold onto your butts it’s gonna be a month alright
today the best i could do was to just listen for areas of misunderstanding and give space to them - "i hear that you perceive/believe that, makes sense that you do, and that's not my experience at all"
wasnt on my A game today, but i am proud that at one point i stopped and said "i'm not feeling heard, if you arent willing/able to hear my point i want to end the conversation", to which she said she did want to understand and was eventually to some satisfaction
i hate trying to justify that i care about her, and repeatedly expressed an unwillingness to try and convince her. the whole point is that when i do things for her im not trying to keep score, so i largely forget them
eventually we did arrive at a consensus that i do in fact care and put effort/love towards her, its just often not what she's wanting. so i can try to ask more and try and do less guessing, and she can share more what she wants
she also offered that she would try not to talk about my dad in front of me, knowing that it's difficult for me, which i was taken aback by. i responded by saying i would try my best to notice if it's happening and process my feelings elsewhere.
this is actually the conclusion that i came to about the situation. was surprised that she proactively offered it, but also felt like we kind of breezed by it and didnt give it sufficient space to land https://t.co/1Cve9ZWSI2
i found myself able to be more present and openhearted over time in the conversation, more of a sense that she was listening and more of a sense of wanting to listen, and a sense of more collaboration and less tension
at the end i shared that i had something that i want to share with her, but feel to afraid and insufficient trust in myself and her to share. asked her if she'd be willing to have the conversation with our therapist, to which she said no
at the end i shared that i had something that i want to share with her, but feel to afraid and insufficient trust in myself and her to share. asked her if she'd be willing to have the conversation with our therapist, to which she said no
this is what i wanted to share https://t.co/R62Xo3I9z2
We had the (first part of the) conversation later https://t.co/MPbjPrYJHm
so we had the first part (half?) of a conversation that feels pretty foundational - sharing this resentment/pain that i dont think ive ever forgiven her for - the sense that she betrayed the trust of me as an innocent, helpless child https://t.co/R62Xo3I9z2