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so we had the first part (half?) of a conversation that feels pretty foundational - sharing this resentment/pain that i dont think ive ever forgiven her for - the sense that she betrayed the trust of me as an innocent, helpless child https://t.co/R62Xo3I9z2
so she came to me later and wanted to hear what i had to say. https://t.co/NOHOCFZF4l
at the end i shared that i had something that i want to share with her, but feel to afraid and insufficient trust in myself and her to share. asked her if she'd be willing to have the conversation with our therapist, to which she said no
i expressed a lot of hesitation and fear and care. i was afraid of tapping into the rage. it clearly carries judgment and blaming energy, and feared that it would be painful/offensive for her to hear.
to her fairly massive credit, she was persistent without being pushy. she clearly reiterated that she wanted to hear, that she was ready for it, that she wanted me to be able to get whatever it is off my chest, and that she respected my consent to share or not.
1) she said some hurtful things (of the "wish i didnt have you as a son" variety), i felt into it, and with tears shared "mom that hurts, is that what you want?" her response communicated to me "yes"
she proceeded to explain that in both situations she wanted me to understand how hurt she feels. intellectually, i understand, and i expressed that https://t.co/xMrDEqNRFs
it wanted to attack. it wanted her to feel the pain. it wanted to put her in her place. now that i think about it, ive fantasized about eviscerating her since i was in middle school. i want her to know that she doesnt get to hurt me like that https://t.co/bU0L2XQRdX
and emotionally/physiologically there's still clearly a ton of charge. i think because im still carrying this burden from earlier in my life https://t.co/sKehtG4Fvs
i shared this image with her, and that that's how i felt much of my upbringing. she went to a bit of explaining https://t.co/kG9ANAR56y
after another round of fear and uncertainty with persistent but not pushy coaxing from her, i shared this https://t.co/R62Xo3I9z2
she went into defense and explanation. she shared that at times she's felt betrayed by me also, particularly major times where she felt i took my dads side like this one (which i have yet to really listen through) https://t.co/uJEdqxOVwA
i listen to my mom share about the passing of my dads dad, a story she's told (some might say "bitched and moaned about") for decades. i get the closest ive been able to get to understanding why respect is so important to her. she still tells it :/ https://t.co/PY6jOQ5TPf
i reflected a bit, but also had a bit of an "oh shit time" moment - my friend was coming to pick me up in 20 min. i said that im interested in hearing her story but given the situation i think we only have time for me to share, which she agreed to
i acknowledged the pain she felt from my perceived betrayal. but that there's some difference here. i was a helpless child. i had no other choice. she's the only one i could trust. was i the adult or was she the adult?
i also shared that she's always wanted to be treated with the respect of an adult. but to me, she wasnt honoring the responsibilities of a caregiver - she was supposed to protect me https://t.co/8zpsFS53Qi
but sprinkled in were some really meaningful moments, meaningful phrases, crying together. particularly this "i was a first time mother, i never intended to intentionally hurt you, im sorry" https://t.co/XeuD1DAt61