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this was after sharing this part with her. working through this together was above my pay grade - revealing this kind of an exile to my mom was really painful for her, and her response was really painful for me https://t.co/zKDfvPx9K9
after this came a few weeks of her trying at every turn to insist and convince me of her love and care for me, a reflection of her pain. i appreciated her positive intent but it wasnt what i needed
iirc this escalated until i was like "we need support im over my head". thankfully we had a therapist that we had seen together previously. going to see the therapist every few days led to massive W's after massive W's of conversations that came in the coming month or 2
i went into her room, and the first thing she said was "you should go back to the hospital you were born in, i think i must have taken home the wrong baby, there must be a mistake, you should go check the records"
I didn’t really know how to respond, I think I was in a bit of a feeeze response. I mostly just tried reflecting what she was saying for a while until I realized it wasn’t going anywhere and left her
IIRC I went for a bike ride and cried, which helped move the pain. It felt like abandonment and rejection, like “the thing you shared is so bad that i don’t want/believe you could be my son”