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Johnson (Taiwan)@justavagrant_• almost 3 years ago

I’m scared

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3/10/2023
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Johnson (Taiwan)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

this was after sharing this part with her. working through this together was above my pay grade - revealing this kind of an exile to my mom was really painful for her, and her response was really painful for me https://t.co/zKDfvPx9K9

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Johnson (Taiwan)@justavagrant_• almost 3 years ago

I think my inner child doesn’t fully feel trust in my mothers love in large part because he didn’t feel like my mom cared about my wants or needs

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6/30/2023
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Johnson (Taiwan)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

after this came a few weeks of her trying at every turn to insist and convince me of her love and care for me, a reflection of her pain. i appreciated her positive intent but it wasnt what i needed

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6/30/2023
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Johnson (Taiwan)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

iirc this escalated until i was like "we need support im over my head". thankfully we had a therapist that we had seen together previously. going to see the therapist every few days led to massive W's after massive W's of conversations that came in the coming month or 2

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6/30/2023
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Johnson (Taiwan)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i didnt share this at the time but she said some pretty hurtful stuff after this. i still remember it. the next morning (morning of my birthday)

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6/30/2023
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Johnson (Taiwan)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i went into her room, and the first thing she said was "you should go back to the hospital you were born in, i think i must have taken home the wrong baby, there must be a mistake, you should go check the records"

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6/30/2023
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Johnson (Taiwan)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

I didn’t really know how to respond, I think I was in a bit of a feeeze response. I mostly just tried reflecting what she was saying for a while until I realized it wasn’t going anywhere and left her

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6/30/2023
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Johnson (Taiwan)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

IIRC I went for a bike ride and cried, which helped move the pain. It felt like abandonment and rejection, like “the thing you shared is so bad that i don’t want/believe you could be my son”

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6/30/2023