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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

im very sensitive to what old lovers think of me. it’s like if they no longer love me, because im often still fond of them, i fucked up. i came into contact with someone, and they walked away with a bad taste in their mouth

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

it’s always *felt* weird that i cared so much. something just didn’t sit right. it felt more like a hyperactive concern for my safety than anything else

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i’ve had this tweet in my drafts for 6 months now, but i was prompted to post it because—

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

been experiencing this strange shift where what an ex-lover thinks of me says something more about them and our compatibility for connection than me as a person. it reminds me of https://t.co/UxMvknJJx6

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

one difference between secure vulnerability and reckless vulnerability is if the other person responds poorly or without attunement, do you take it as a statement about their interest in and compatible with you they are, or how good you are as a person?

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i say strange only bc it’s unusual for me. it feels something like separateness, confidence, like— https://t.co/zCnRiVBSvC

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

most people are like three secure friends away from never thinking about status again

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

—like not feeling overwhelmed by the situation, but feeling some sort of adulthood. like i am an adult, they are an adult, they do not particularly know the world better than me

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

it's an emerging confidence in my situation, life i found a life, and a safe place to live. i can rest here. i can stop running. it's safe. it wasn't for so long https://t.co/onC22PhM3a

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

im in a very faraway land with friends i actually trust now

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

one of the unfortunate effects of cptsd-like hypervigilance is a such a constant preoccupation with what other people think there is no reality to sink into. the ground is always falling away

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i don’t have to be hypervigilant about people’s feedback and what they think of me https://t.co/gZh0TsAiQj

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

im not obliged to hear advice. i am viable without it. i get to exist in the naturalness of my sensemaking, trust it, and improve it, at its core rather than operate on the scaffolds of reason i built around it, estranging me from my core

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i exist 100% immersed in my own life and experience, and other people only touch 1% of it, and i can take how they respond as feedback, but i don't have to reorient my entire life around it

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i am a creature embedded in my life, other ppl r embedded in their lives sometimes there’s space for interaction & overlap, but it never really approaches 100% overlap. they always stay a different person. their feedback & how they feel about me always has a lot to do with them

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

the safety of having one's own world https://t.co/3hMfVkw8PH

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

the joy of having your own inscrutable world https://t.co/oT3PwvqwLu

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

@heidipriebe1 has this video on anxious attachment, where she suggests a lot of it is relating with deeply unguarded, baby parts of yourself, in a relationship https://t.co/OslwC0XrSg

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

anxious attachment https://t.co/QR3GzKt9ek

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

“i feel fond of them. why don't they?” — baby logic baby logic is freaking out when other people you've decided are important aren't good to you, because you think them being not good to you means something about you, rather than just them, or how humans are https://t.co/IjjTAKTZP7

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

what the baby needs to hear needs to come from inner adult. it can't be left homeless in other people’s conversational lap https://t.co/FQrLVSvfao

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

instead of leaving a baby in someone’s metaphorical conversational lap, and having the baby panic if the person doesn’t respond the way the baby wants, and who then tries to elicit the response from the person in all sorts of manipulative ways https://t.co/u3DBH5HScn

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i guess that’s what trying to give your fish to people is — trying to get them to adopt your homeless inner child https://t.co/06cPu6StYo

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

the boy tried to give her the dead fish, but she didn’t want it “it’s your fish,” she said. “i don’t want it” “that’s ok,” said the boy. i’ll make it better, he thought

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