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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago

i just told my dad how much i love him

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i prefaced by mentioning how mom sometimes will give us gifts and i dont really want the gift but i know what she's showing is love. this conversation might feel like that for him, but i hoped that he would still accept it

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

while tripping the other day, i had reflected on how sometimes i'm just a son that wants to feel the love of his mother. i was curious why i didn't have that same want towards my dad

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

it was immediately obvious that i've always had that love from him. its never been in questioni dont know how to put in words how meaningful that is

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

he said that his love has always been unconditional. our conversation the previous day about the importance of work wasn't very connecting, he expressed that even if we disagree, he still loves me. he shared his ideals that love is abundant and felt, without needing words

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i apologized for constantly wanting to talk feelings, with this NVC talk, about deep serious topics, going back to our family europe trip last april. https://t.co/xIiEndyxvi

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago

it's made me this fucking guy an embarrassing amount of the time https://t.co/hFnYC0Bb4B

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

there are deeply important reasons for that orientation, but i realized that it was contributing to resentment towards him ("why doesnt he want to engage with me like this"), when what i really want to be expressing to him is love

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i shared why expressing this love is so important to me - it's kind of learned off of him, in a (tongue in cheek) way, because I don't want to be like him

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i distinctly remember visiting seattle once, us singing karaoke at home, and he sang this song. it's a song about leaving home to find success, and being too late to love her mom https://t.co/ps8nQMU6EK

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

the grief was palpable in the way he sang it, and the way he asked himself why his dad had to go. but the sadness/regret of not having enough opportunities to show parents love has always been palpable, every time we left taiwan growing up https://t.co/I8jeRafquN

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

who knows how many opportunities i'll have to share my love with my dad? i want to take every chance i have. https://t.co/oQVDbhyrbK

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago

I just want to feel my mothers love and embrace and be held if things don’t feel ok. Sometimes i can’t. One day I’ll never be able to again. 有媽的孩子像個寶。I don’t want to lose the chances that I have

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

one of the only things i regret from my 7 year relationship is that i didn't tell her how much i loved her every single day. i don't want to make that same mistake with my parents while i still have them

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

we shared a tearful (for me) embracea few single tears rolled down his face during this conversation. i wonder when the last time that happened wasi was barely able to get words out through sobs at points

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i asked him if he's ever allowed himself to cry for the passing of his father. he said that he's cried without tears

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

he wondered if he was away for so long that he became too cold blooded (he moved to the US for grad school and stayed there until retirement a few years ago)

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

he recounted that when his dad was intubated, he was one of the main voices urging my grandma to let him go. whenever he saw my grandpa in that state, it seemed like torturing grandpa to him

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

he wonders if he's to blame for my grandpa's passing. he wonders if his dad up in heaven thinks he's good or bad for it. he doesn't knowi sobbed. i'm crying again writing this. to not know...

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

i shared how much grief i felt just hearing him speak about it. and that as men we're taught not to cry from an early age. and that now to me, the harder and braver thing is to cry

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2/8/2023
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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_over 2 years ago
Replying to @justavagrant_

ended a bit unelegantly because my mom woke up and came out so we wrapped things up. but i wanted to leave the door open to exploring that if he ever wanted to

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2/8/2023