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this shifted gradually over a period of about two or three years. a big moment came when I did an interview (in writing) with @dthorson for my old Mind Body Attention Project https://t.co/mk8T0T8IKT
@dthorson (interview here)https://t.co/UkkBMUhCzN
i remember that a moment came in a retreat I sat with Shinzen Young in the fall of 2017 that i realized my fears didn't make any sense, that they didn't hold up any more, and that it was time for courage + taking a leap of faith into the bodhisattva vows
i was afraid that i was signing up for something that was intrinsically impossible, and that I was personally, specifically, deeply inadequate for, and that I was bound to fail at, and that I would be bad and/or punished for promising to do something I would fail at
in retrospect the mood was something like applying a straw Christian theology to my projections about Mahayana Buddhism? which is weird because I was raised Unitarian Universalist but hey that stuff is in the water in these here parts
from that perspective it was like, "better not to try than to fail." this is an attitude I regret to say that I've historically brought to many endeavors in my life, albeit largely unconsciously and unwillingly, and have been trying to unwind for years
i still don't have any proof of reincarnation or memories of past lives or deep insight into the nature of reality that irrevocably proves what is basically Right View. honestly, i don't even want or need any, really
honestly, i actually actively avoid being of service in ways that aren't fun or energizing or rewarding or resonant for me. if i am drained of my energy and motivation, i know I won't be able to give other gifts that I am tremendously excited to give
i can't get caught up on someone else's concept of service or benefit or what would be good in the quest to be of benefit in my own unique way. i have to trust myself, my own intuitions and instincts and desires and callings
the metaphor that comes to mind is that I had to find my own compass, my own pointer and sense of direction. it's not conceptual, it's a felt sense of resonance, a meeting point from one's own body/mind/heart/soul, and the world around us
peace pilgrim of course talks about this as one's "highest light." this is the most fundamental spiritual teaching i am basing my life on, because I "found" this within myselfhttps://t.co/9GdDz0ymRN
another way of talking about it or finding it is through the three pure precepts of Buddhism - i would phrase it as - do not do the things you know are bad, do every good thing you can, and purify your mind so that more becomes clear to you. this is the path to Buddhahood
i don't need to know how to be a Buddha now. that's lifetimes and lifetimes and lifetimes away. I just need to live this moment to the best of my ability, and be willing to learn from it, and to try again, moment after moment after moment, lifetime after lifetime after lifetime
@tasshinfogleman also, Aro g’ter calls this living the view, and i find it helpful too https://t.co/CuRp0NBRXC
