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🧵 Thread (25 tweets)

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

the truth of the situation is that i want people to like me at vibecamp if they like me, i don’t have to think about them not liking me if i don’t have to think about home not liking me, i don’t have to be so afraid i fucked it all, and am falling behind

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

if i don’t have to be afraid of falling behind . . . then what? who wins? if i don’t have to be afraid of falling behind, i can make it to the next day if i can make it to the next day, i can maybe enjoy myself sometime

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

maybe i just want to enjoy myself sometime? ive never identified with this desire

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

if i can maybe enjoy myself sometime, then i am falling behind again because i am not being ruthless about capitalism and networking and jobs if i am being ruthless about capitalism, i can get away, from kuwait

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

if i can get away from kuwait, maybe i don’t have to live this sorry life where no one cares about me if i don’t have to live a life where no one cares about me, maybe i can be happy do people care about me? yes. why? i don’t know

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

no, i know why. because i am a decent person and likable. i feel eminently likable. not to everyone, but there is a certain vitality and force of life i bring we are all forces of life. vitalities; this is what makes us fall in love with each other

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

part of me is scared, and part of me isn’t. part of me knows this is the right thing what is the right thing? being honest loving the people with whom i have been honest they have touched a part of me few people have https://t.co/Z4BxbXKbEg

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

The people I end up feeling the most loved by are people who somehow managed to sit with me in emptiness till I felt loved by them, for a part of me that wasn’t trying to impress them. https://t.co/0v8idBGskn

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3 0

3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

the people i let into my heart moved me more than anyone else

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i do not exist to others i am a person or human being (?) confusing, what do i do with this [anything] i can run off from the capitalist ladder system i have enough resources now i have a bank account and visa and friends

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

it got me out. out kuwait i can’t believe how isolated i was in kuwait not a single person gave a shit about my internal experience. in any way they were capable to understand

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

this is a more horrible truth than i imagined but it is freeing i had to have many sessions with @mattgoldenberg and @Malcolm_Ocean and @pragueyerrr to articulate this

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

being in my head was isolating. i don’t want to do that again

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i thought i was “fully open.” i shared everything and every single thought that came into my head. this only meant i was hidden even from myself

7 0

3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

people cannot exist without privacy people cannot exist without friends being fully open to a full public is hiding yourself and convincing everyone nothing else exists

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

something always exists something always exists that cannot be told or shared and that is good

7 0

3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

if a child never cries, something is very wrong if a child only strategically cries, something is very wrong https://t.co/qzGkRG3Gp4

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

i remember crying as a child, but it always felt so strategic. it felt so unfair like i could make this move called “let my eyes do the thing” and suddenly everyone would be on my side and everything forgiven?

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7 0

3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

glass house (from: drama of the gifted child) https://t.co/4nsv2S2uy6

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

it does not have to be anyone’s fault for it to be wrong please do not try to make it someone’s fault for me to say it is wrong

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

what is the purpose of publishing this? i do not know except that it could never have come out if i had not published and tweeted and made friends and had calls and kept publishing and tweeting here

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

what is the purpose of publishing this? i do not know except that it could never have come out if i had not written it here

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

saying things to someone is what makes them real that someone can be yourself but until yourself feels real, you might never say things to yourself

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

myself began feeling real it is bordering on the edge of real https://t.co/KofajobFL4

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 4 years ago

Tonight, walking at 3am, I possess a satisfaction that can neither be shared, nor preserved, only practiced.

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

it was not always real, i knew this forever without knowing its impact https://t.co/5vURr6xNNe

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 4 years ago

I seemed to not exist in the in-between parts where I wasn’t talking to people, and when I was, I felt constructed and fake.

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4 0

3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i knew so many of these things at 14 without knowing their impact https://t.co/b3i3RraRyQ

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

i used to say “oh, it’s like my emotions are in some room in the basement and i never really check” i think about how little i knew about it at the time

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3/4/2022

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• about 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

keywords: drama of the gifted child, alice miller, living in a glass box

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7/29/2023