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anita@neats29over 4 years ago

I’m doing a @threadapalooza on having a healthy relationship! 100 *opinions* based on: - lessons learned from my own relationship (it’ll be 10 years in a few months 😱) - observing other relationships - helpful resources over the years

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

1. Firstly, an important caveat. Relationships are largely luck-based. Chance plays a role at every step. Where you meet them, whether they match basic criteria such as age, location, availability, your respective attachment styles and many other factors.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

2. But like most things that are influenced by chance, you can stack the deck in your favour. The more you know yourself the more you can set yourself up for success.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

3. "Good" (healthy, fulfilling etc) relationships just feel right. Trust your gut, but don’t mistake your gut with your mind telling you what you want to hear.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

4. Instead of imagining what kind of a partner you want, imagine how you want to feel in a relationship.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

5. Relationships take work, but the good ones suffer more from external friction than internal friction.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

6. Internal friction comes from unresolved trauma. One person wanting to control the other. The other person not knowing how to deal with being triggered and so on.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

7. Internal friction also comes from not knowing what you want. Dating someone because it looks good or because you like the "idea" of them.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

8. Communication is important but even more important is trust. Trust that they want the best for you, trust that they can be relied upon and so on.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

9. Trust is made from your past experiences + your partner’s past behaviour.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

10. Poor communication is like 2 people playing ping pong with 2 separate balls. Good communication is playing with 1 ball and not missing. Great communication is like 2 people performing a dance.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

11. The most fundamental ingredient is honesty. Relationships will fall like an empire if they are not built on a foundation of honesty.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

12. Dishonesty is a form of self-defence. It takes inner work to learn alternative tools to protect oneself.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

13. Notice if you are competing. Remember you are partners, not opponents. Many relationships are based on competition.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

14. Notice if you are comparing. Comparing yourself to each other and comparing your relationship to others'.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

15. Don’t manage the other person and know when you are being managed. Managing them consists of telling them what to say, what to do or not to do.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

16. When you want them to do something but they won’t, it usually means there is a responsibility you're not taking. Say you get annoyed that they put their socks on the floor. It could be you're not as tidy as you'd like to be, or you're tidy and you want them to live your way.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

17. To have a healthy relationship, there is inner work to be done. Some need a lot more than others. Self-love is often the remedy, but for most people, it’s a journey to get there. A lucky few are blessed with it right off the bat, though they still have their own shadows.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

18. Attention is a gift you can keep on giving. Just make sure you are not doing it from a place of insecurity or to numb your own pain.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

19. Another important ingredient is respect. Observe how your partner treats you in front of people they want to impress. See if they belittle you or put you on a pedestal. Neither is good.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

20. Lack of respect comes from subconsciously not being confident in your choice.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

21. Remove external frictions where you can. A dishwasher could be the solution to your arguments about the dishes. But know when the argument is not actually about the dishes.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

22. Be aware of “The Recency Effect”. If you’ve recently fought, your perception of the relationship will be clouded.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

23. Normalise conversations about money. There will always be differences in your salary and contributions. These can become a source of friction but they don't have to be.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

24. Split the bills loosely. You're not in the business of transactions, you are in the business of human connection.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

25. Having resentments about money will be toxic. Be in enough resolution that if you were to break up today, there won't be much to resolve.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

26. Be selective. Resist the temptation to settle for someone that gives you what you want but doesn’t make your heart sing. But don’t confuse selectiveness with pickiness.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

27. Perfect doesn’t exist. Good enough, as long as you’re not compromising on your most important values, is good enough.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

28. If you have to hide a part of you, reconsider the relationship.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

29. If they are a narcissist, reconsider the relationship. Narcissism is the result of deep shame. Without inner work, the relationship will be unhealthy.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

30. If you still don’t feel emotionally safe after some time, reconsider the relationship.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

31. Once you commit, play the long game. If you feel you have one foot out of the door, reconsider whether the relationship is for you.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

32. Accept your partner as they are. But acknowledge each other’s flaws.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

33. Confirm the flaws your partner points out, with other loved ones. We can be the most critical to those closest to us.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

34. The more you familiarise yourself and adapt to each other's temperaments, the more harmony there will be.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

35. Understand how lack of food, sleep and other core needs affect you and the other person. Recognise the signs and respond accordingly.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

36. We fall for the people who are familiar.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

37. For most people, their partner(s) will resemble one of their parents (or an older sibling) in behaviour. Recognise this and face any issues head-on.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

38. Equally, the people you are put off by, likely share some characterises with one of your parents (caretakers).

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

39. Relationships shouldn’t take all your energy, and importantly they shouldn’t be a consistent source of stress. Chronic stress is detrimental to health. Conversely, a partner can be a great de-stressor.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

40. Humour, if done right can be a superpower. It can defuse a bomb, or add a sparkle to ordinary days.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

41. Goofyness is an asset that many lack or hide. If you are blessed with it, don't hold back.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

42. Arguments are a healthy and necessary aspect of relationships. Without them, you will turn to passive aggressiveness and eventually the relationship will become toxic or platonic.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

43. Good argument-mending takes practice. It’s easiest in the absence of a backlog of unresolved disputes. And if you are partners, not opponents.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

44. Perform an introspective exercise where you witness your worst fears about the relationship. Whether it’s a breakup, their death or another scenario. Imagine it, mourn it and face it. It will be healing.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

45. Long term relationships are a balancing act between satisfaction and complacency. You want to be satisfied with what you have and vibe with each other without too much effort, but you also don’t want to become complacent and make zero effort.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

46. Have a time in the day where you each have your alone time. You don’t want all of your identity to be tied to the relationship.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

47. Smothering will create resentment and isolation in the long run. It’s usually a sign of filling a void, likely an insecurity or a lack of trust.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

48. It's easiest for us to manipulate those closest to us. Resist this temptation and notice when it happens to you.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

49. Know your fighting styles. Some need to walk away and cool off, while others need to talk to process it right away. Not respecting the other person’s fighting style and enforcing yours is like throwing gasoline on a fire.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

50. Your values should form a Venn diagram. This is important to identify early on.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

51. Most people want to be “seen”. Being seen is seductive. The most common and tragic form of complacency is when you stop “seeing” the person you love.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

52. Falling out of love is either the result of built-up resentment or it’s a sign your paths have diverged.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

53. Wanting to change the other person is a natural tendency but an amateur strategy. There’s a reason why they do something and there is a reason why you are triggered by it. Understand those reasons.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

54. Acknowledge the roles your partner plays. Friend, companion, etc. Remember to diversify, you don't want a single person to be your entire support network.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

55. Watch out for what precedences are set at the beginning. If they are never allowed to be changed, resentment will prevail.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

56. Watch out for third party influences (friends, family etc). It's challenging but important to set boundaries.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

57. There will be parental elements in the relationship. Humans grow up having caretakers and most people don't fully graduate from that. Recognise this.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

58. Recognise your circular arguments. The ones that repeat and don't come to a resolution. To come to a resolution, you will need to shift your approach. Usually, the person who feels like the victim (or both) are not taking responsibility for something.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

59. Be forgiving, but don't let anyone walk over you. Don't forgive to be liked. Forgive to move on.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

60. The bigger of a deal you make things into, the less harmony there will be. But if you have a tendency to do this, don't be hard on yourself, just recognise it.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

61. Change comes from awareness and the motivation to avoid pain. It can't be forced or it'll return.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

62. Being desired is intoxicating. Be careful who you give this power to.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

63. Using guilt to get what you want is a slippery slope.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

64. There is always room for love to grow. There's no ceiling.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

65. Loving someone is more about you than it is about them.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

66. Tough times can be a source of friction, or bring you closer together. Communication is your friend, ego is your enemy.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

67. Travel can put a strain on your relationship, remember each other's temperaments, they will come out in their extreme form.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

68. Love and desire are inversely correlated. When you first meet, desire is high, and love is low. Later on in the relationship, the reverse is true.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

69. You will have to find creative ways to keep the desire alive. Clue: without separation, there will be little desire.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

70. Having separate hobbies is a great source of creating that separation.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

71. Get fit together. Having a common sport or workout session is a great activity to bond over.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

72. Go on a camping road trip together and collaborate on the various tasks.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

73. Find examples of healthy relationships and learn what they do best.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

74. Express some form of affection every day.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

75. There are still things to learn about your partner even after many years. Not only because of untold memories, but because humans are ever-changing.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

76. If you're long-distance, create some rituals. They will ground you.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

77. Don't burden them with expectations. Their service is a choice.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

78. Foster what makes them come alive. If you see it as a threat to the attention you receive, it will create resentment for both.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

79. You should be all in. But you should also feel free to leave.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

80. Others shouldn't get a say in your relationship. But their observations can be insightful. Take it with a pinch of salt and remember to set boundaries.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

81. Even if you don't relate with the problems your partner is facing, find ways to support them. If you don't support them, eventually they will walk away.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

82. Don't rush into marriage. And talk about how you will handle things if you were to divorce.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

83. A breakup shouldn't be the greatest fear, living in resentment should be

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

84. If you expect your partner to read your mind, it probably means you don’t understand yourself enough. Don’t expect them to do the work. Do ask them for feedback and observations.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

85. Most people fall into 2 categories. Those who value their loved ones over others, and those who value others over their loved ones. If you are the latter, don’t take your partner for granted or undermine them to please others.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

86. Celebrate them. Give them the space to talk about their wins without fear of judgement.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

87. It’s not your partner’s job to make you happy.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

88. Who you are in your partner’s head and who you are in your own head are two different people.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

89. Your partner impacts your health outcomes. You'll have more meals with them than others. You'll mimic them in ways unbeknownst to you. Long term partners develop the same types of wrinkles because of the subtle ways they mimic each other’s facial expressions. Choose wisely.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

90. Holding back affection to protect your ego is cowardice. Inner work will lead to courage.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

91. Go the extra mile when they're sick. It will deepen the bond.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

92. If you’re out of touch with your own emotions, there will be a limit to how deep the relationship could go.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

93. Recognise each other's fears. Fear explains a lot about someone's behaviour.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

94. Your sense of meaning in life shouldn't come solely from the relationship.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

95. Know how your past shapes how you treat your partner.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

96. A partner has the ability to boost your confidence or dampen it like no other.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

97. The fear of loneliness tampers with your decision-making abilities.

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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

98. The right person doesn't exist. There are just a group of people out there that can match you better than others. Compatibility can grow over time.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

99. The more we heal ourselves from the past, the bigger the pool of our potential partners becomes.

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12/21/2020
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anita@neats29over 4 years ago
Replying to @neats29

100. Acknowledge the role of luck in everything you have and don't have. Fin.

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12/21/2020
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goblin waifu@goblinoddsover 3 years ago
Replying to @neats29

@neats29 @threadapalooza 🔥🔥🔥🔥

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12/15/2021