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You know how people sometimes go to sleep thinking about a problem and wake up with the solution? I went to sleep last night doing a bunch of journaling and I just woke up with the clear realisation that I am different than most people. Not *unique*, but certainly uncommon
there are many layers to this and I have circled around it / aluded to it in many past threads, but I have never... felt it resonate through me like this before. Suddenly for a moment everything is clear, everything is obvious, all the conflict makes sense https://t.co/GL6W0OJBVx
I believe I went to bed thinking āIām a spider that builds elaborate webs. people call me weird for doing it, and then say Iām lucky when I catch opportunities with them.ā And I woke up with - we all have different psychic webs, psycho-graphs, and they catch the world differently https://t.co/Vj04lOtgKj
Iāve developed the realisation that people have different models of reality - and yet I never really sat down to appreciate and analyse *just how different* my model is from people around me. I think I feared that this inquiry would isolate me further https://t.co/6narHPdQ8a
3. Different people have different models of reality. Understanding this is a powerful frustration-release valve. A lot of the time, we arenāt in conflict - our models are. Weāve each generalized from different assumptions, experiences https://t.co/wCjbstZLy9
Itās interesting to look back and see all of the times I tentatively approached this idea, but wasnāt yet sure enough to come out and say it outright. Iāve spent years corroborating, reading, talking to 1000s of people, trying to get my story straight https://t.co/3EHbE6g36s
it's funny to consider how much of the conversation around things like "what makes you unique, what makes you different" is dominated by people who aren't really all that unique or different. I don't mean this as a putdown or a jab, it's just one of those optical illusions
āOk Visa, we get it, you believe that youāre different, and youāve spent a lot of time and energy over the years questioning it... taught yourself to be charismatic so that people will believe you... We believe you! Preaching to the choir here! But different how?ā Err,,, hm. Uh https://t.co/AnTigHQepl
me: tell them! tell them the thing visabrain: thatās classified me: what? why!? we worked so hard to get to the point where we can talk about this visabrain: we must keep Visa safe me: goddamnit I didnāt ask for this visabrain: https://t.co/EeibMr9Cym
Ok let me try there are layers to this I would say there were three things that deeply shaped me as a kid 1. being a highly visible minority (tall, dark, unique name) in syncretic Southeast Asia 2. being a book & library nerd 3. my family running their own business
I am not axiomatic about any of this, words like āshapedā are stronger than Iād like them to be anyway by the time I had to go to school I had already read widely about space (galaxies, geography, atoms, cells) and time (dinosaurs, ancient civilisations) so school was hell
I oversimply this, but - relative to kids whose parents had bosses & paycheck, my parents lived as they pleased. They came & went as they pleased. They didnāt have to dress up to go to work. They didnāt have to speak deferentially. So, yknow, I never learned how to do any of that
I wasnāt the only book nerd in school. I had other co-conspirators, I saw them reading under their desks too. But they didnāt get singled out nearly as much as I did. Why? Because Iām the damn Schelling point. Iāve always been the most visible guy in 99% of the rooms Iāve been in https://t.co/dU0LACU2vQ
more on that if youāre curious https://t.co/CUyzqHaHOt
Anyway so letās review 1. I have a very feral knowledge graph that goes wide and deep 2. I get singled out a lot, so Iām forced to learn to be comfortable with everybodyās eyes on me When people talk about being afraid of public scrutiny, I canāt relate. I was raised in it
This itself strikes me as another one of the many odd dichotomies that Iāve been forced to embody. I have feral nerd friends, but they hate ~socialising~. I have glamorous socialite friends, but they donāt have the time or inclination to nerd out. Different utility functions š¤ https://t.co/MVqDJpLDqT
Iām scrolling through this thread and asking myself, āis anything missing from this picture?ā - itās the syncretism. I donāt have a single centralised point of failure in my meaning graph. I am very comfortable experimenting with many meanings at once https://t.co/foSm6OYQKL
Thinking today about the 4 dominant media threads in my life: - Local Singaporean media, primarily Singaporean-Chinese - American media (Nickelodeon + MTV) - Indian media (mainly Tamil, but also some peripheral Hindi/Bollywood) - Japanese media (anime, J-rock, JRPGs) https://t.co/aC3Qt4aQFY
Another thing: because of my multiple dichotomies and contradictions, I cannot entirely rely on any in-group to take care of me. Being multi-faceted means that people find you a little suspicious. Iām not Singaporean enough, not Indian enough, not Tamil enough... Iām expendable https://t.co/FS1RyCAPEE
Which is why I put in so much effort into making friends, into being kind, into building a rigorous social graph of people who care about me. To me itās abt survival. I donāt have a social safety net. Have you read history? People get displaced and cast out, just like that https://t.co/GwpfnTFHjC
Which makes me realize another dichotomy - again I am somehow often both the most chill and most anxious person in the room. Chill because nothing ultimately matters, anxious because everything could get really horrible really fast. Suffering still hurts in the simulation https://t.co/A3fE4gvkfp
Anyway. The details and deliberations are numerous and will fill out an entire memoir. The point is that I have to find a way to joyfully surf the waves of this difference in a way that enriches and serves others, and myself, without hurting anybody https://t.co/0t6rkj96vO
Sometimes I legit feel like an alien and the vast sea of humanity makes me feel really sick. I can rationalize my way back to something resembling sanity because itās necessary for continued functioning, but I donāt... like it. I try to accept it; and I manage it most of the time