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š§µ Thread (19 tweets)
I think the western concept of ādatingā is *drumroll* outdated https://t.co/1S5PPASGOB
Caveats first: my first-hand experience is laughably limited as someone who married the first person who showed any romantic interest in me but I do collect tonnes of anecdotes from friends who are looking for dates and it just seems really grim to me https://t.co/MbWIsvp1Ag
More bias: I am extremely online and extremely public, so what āseems obviousā to me might be something thatās difficult or inaccessible to others. I believe almost anybody can benefit from some controlled dosage of my way of being, but again, maybe not, your mileage may vary
Before even going into details - where did the current mainstream concept of dating come from? My theory is that many of us inherit an idea of it from pop culture, which in turn seems to me (pls correct me) to riff off of post-WW2 western/white norms. Guy asks girl out on date https://t.co/OntJ8Yvf7T
Pop culture, in turn, until very recently, has been heavily shaped by male perspectives, male writing, male fantasy. (I know, I know, I can never talk about just one thing without talking about everything else...) https://t.co/WT8EY9U05P
I believe that human beings are *as a species* extremely resilient and adaptable, and that human relationships *in aggregate* respond to systems of incentives. But most individuals tend to roughly do what they see everyone else around them doing, even if itās no longer sensible https://t.co/QLevsQNbMm
So okay, letās go to first principles. We are fundamentally social creatures who need companions. The desire for pair-bonding seems extremely widespread (tho even this could be cultural to a degree we cannot appreciate... but letās not go there rn š ). Point is: we want partners https://t.co/XaOojkVrBq
We want partners. (Partners for what? A range of things! Someone to share memes with. Someone to share intimate moments with, both physical and psychological. Different people actually have rather different sets of needs, but mainstream culture has a āstandardizingā effect.) https://t.co/a6uTDP74Rw
So how do we find partners? To play with, to share burdens with, to be intimate with? I personally find this hilarious and sad: we literally go on job interviews. š Thatās what dates are, arenāt they, most of the time? Two people anxious to match each otherās criteria https://t.co/roXzWcanKG
And here I think I can connect several threads about school, creativity, sensitivity, bureaucracy, fun, play & so on: I believe that people are naturally creative and playful, but that we are socialized by our many bureaucracies to become rigid, formulaic https://t.co/d8l4Z6tNaw
But all of the fun in life - play, conversation, flirting, sex - is what you do when youāre playing *with* the rules. But that doesnāt mean you *break* the rules. You tease around them. While paying close attention. Thatās the fun!! Oh my god. People donāt know how to have fun https://t.co/OCBfAUbi1l
Here I realize we might encounter some ādangerous ideaā territory, because so many people have been socialized to be so devoid of sensitivity that a subset of them might interpret ābe playful with rulesā to mean, idk, āsexually harass your colleaguesā (Please donāt.) https://t.co/pQvqChTx75
Maybe...observe children at a playground? Itās informal, improvisational, sensitive - failures are small and graceful, individual interactions are not burdened with the weight of the other personās whole existence. Pressure is minimal, rejection is not a big deal. Just play https://t.co/o9I6RWISRQ
You can play right here on Twitter, and find romantic partners this way! Itās actually possible to be a wholesome reply guy that people enjoy having in their mentions. You just need to be sensitive, playful, kind, supportive https://t.co/YgXvx0707D
Every āutteranceā (status, tweet, whatever) is a bit of an invitation, a bit of a proposal. āLetās play this gameā. When strangers read the proposal accurately, and support the game, a shared understanding develops. You can make friends this way.
Which isn't to say "dates are bad, abolish relationship labels" ā one of the failure modes that some people fall into is being too averse to *any* sort of label. If there is mutual romantic interest, you shd probably renegotiate the relationship ā this too can be done playfully https://t.co/22qaJ9FB6C
when I say "playfully" I don't mean to crack jokes about everything, make fun of everything and refuse to engage with anything seriously ā that's a sort of evasive attachment style. I'm talking about being *open* to the other person's point of view https://t.co/sULIRnRm7z
To be playful is not to be trivial or frivolous, or to act as though nothing of consequence will happen. Rather - when we are playful, we relate to each other as free persons - and the relationship is open to surprise. Seriousness = pressing for a specific conclusion. https://t.co/OAyhqyy4Yh
Adding this thread to my list of threads on making friends and socializing: https://t.co/6MtuDAY8IU https://t.co/PbgFjm8Q9i
@visakanv Yes š very well put Something else messed up about dating I've been hearing about is once women get to a certain age and want to have a family, it's very hard for them to navigate dating. Most men are put off by women who make that intention clear early on and even mock them...
@visakanv But some women can't afford to waste 2 years with a guy who doesn't want to start a family any time soon, when women's child bearing abilities has a deadline. So either they have to make their intentions clear and risk mockery and rejection or risk wasting time and return to sq 1