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The longer a relationship lasts, the likelier it is that you’ll step on each other’s toes in recognizably repetitive patterns. The longer this goes on, the more hollow of an excuse “I wasn’t thinking” becomes. It thus becomes *necessary* to become more considerate. https://t.co/pKZvA1ihWs
Here’s a maybe-unpopular opinion I have: lots of people end their relationships because they lack the will or the ability to modify their own behavior. It is easier to start over with someone else than to do the tedious, uncomfortable work of adjusting for each other https://t.co/5dM5458LVk
Of course, this isn’t to say “you should change who you are to suit your partner” or “you should stay in unhappy relationships”. Rather, I think it’s important to be mindful of the patterns of behavior within the context of a relationship https://t.co/69T81gnjAe
A sad warning sign: when one person has to constantly apologise for the other. It’s usually women apologising for their boyfriends. Don’t do it. It rarely gets better. If often gets worse. And y’all often put up with it for *years* longer than you should. Let him go sis https://t.co/sYAhWA0N8j
The pattern I’m describing is - 1. start a relationship 2. enjoy the good times and good vibes 3. accumulate “debt” from bad times and bad vibes 4. fail to address the debt; either avoid it or mishandle it 5. ditch the whole thing to repeat the pattern with someone else https://t.co/D8pulBFU2u
A lot of pop culture takes on love is all about the good vibes and romantic gestures - about finding a soulmate who “gets you”. But even if/when you find that person, you’re going to piss each other off! and you have to figure out how to deal with that! https://t.co/usKhYeFU9k
There’s of course also a “prisoner’s dilemma” aspect to this whole thing. What if you change to be more considerate of your partner, but they don’t return the favour? That’s an injustice. It’s not fair if one person does all the work and the other person gets to enjoy it for free https://t.co/S4PZTgsdXb
early on in a relationship, when you’re still sussing each other out, this is understandable - and the way forward is to make small changes then look for reciprocity. In a long-term relationship, if you can’t trust your partner then you’re very possibly wasting your time https://t.co/1nkyginsnr
Circling back to the start: “I wasn’t thinking” is a hollow excuse **even** if it’s true!! I feel like nobody really talked to me about this. A relationship is a commitment to doing the work of becoming a more thoughtful person. You have to think more!! This is challenging!! https://t.co/eocUywoSjW
Sometimes people ask things like, “aren’t you afraid you’re going to get bored of each other after a decade?” There are some 🤔 buried assumptions in there. I met my wife in 2000 and honestly she gets more interesting every year. I’d like to think the same is true for me https://t.co/gEcyLP8GCs
👇🏾 https://t.co/eI1Hk3CoAa
relationships become boring because they get reduced into shell-scripts, patterns and routines – because people avoid the difficult work of communicating hard, painful things to one another. At this point some people, desperate for stimulation, do crazy shit like cheat
Also 👇🏾 https://t.co/umqMwGWppq
There’s a death spiral that goes like this: 1. you’re tired so you hit snooze on difficult conversations 2. your backlog from 1 is overwhelming 3. You start spacing out in each other’s presence (how was your day? fine). life is now a series of chores 4. The “spark” is gone
Finally - I think some long-suffering couples solve the “stepping on each other’s toes” problem by basically avoiding each other, and keeping to a highly-choreographed routine. To me this sounds like hell, but for some people maybe it’s heaven? Do what works for you, I guess https://t.co/NQ6cKYKo1A
Anyway, as always, I am not an expert or a counsellor or anything of the sort - just a nerd who overanalyzes everything and has some thoughts and experience to share. May you all nourish and support each other in all the ways you need to be nourished and supported. ❤️ https://t.co/CHi66fj29f
“For a novice, novelty is newness. For an expert, novelty is nuance.” Seek out the nuance and you’ll never be terminally bored https://t.co/vOB8bv1bz2
Joni Mitchell quoting George Leonard's The End Of Sex in 1982: "If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one." https://t.co/8S8YvLlrbV
on being thoughtful https://t.co/HTvMaMXK4E
@visakanv "I do the same thing I told you that I never wouldI told you I'd change, even when I knew I never couldKnow that I can't find nobody else as good as youI need you to stay, need you to stay, hey (oh)"- Justin Bieber, Stay https://t.co/O1Kc6akwmK
