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A quick note: It's true that women and girls are subject to all sorts of pressures, expectations, cruelty, abuse, harassment, etc – I'm not dismissing any of that. It's just also true that being a man can also be hard, in its own way – and dudes don't know how to talk about this https://t.co/wiwfyBNijq
Guy: "I feel like I have to be more manly around (my girlfriend)." Author: "Sounds like fragile masculinity to us." TRP is right when they say that men have to be automatically good at being men. Express uncertainty about *that* and you're a lesser man https://t.co/WRv1xPelqf
It's absolutely true that women are not rehabilitation centers for shitty men. So maybe let's talk about where shitty men come from, why they are the way they are, and maybe what we might be able to do about it. A few quotes to start with https://t.co/cVT5Tveggw
(It’s very hard to talk about this stuff because... I don’t know how to adequately contextualize the challenges of men (which I think I appreciate) against those of women, which I only understand in a secondhand, piecemeal way. I’m bound to say something stupid and wrong)
In my mind, a man should be (I’ll score myself /10 for each) - strong 6 - smart 9 - sensitive 7 - courageous 4 - nourishing 9 - cool-headed 9 - confident 7 - charismatic 8 - stylish 4 - skillful 7 10 arbitrary variables I just made up - I’m 70/100 Any man below 50 = miserable
Obviously this is completely unscientific, completely arbitrary and made up, and different people have different values and expectations But the general principle is that masculinity is something you have to live up to, and work hard at - and make it look natural
Actually consider the fact that I found myself compelled to break it down to numbers. This itself is a very male thing, isn’t it? To categorize, numerate, turn everything into baseball cards. That’s the masculine realm - it’s about performance, which can and will be quantified
Back to the original quote. A man admits that he feels pressure to be "more manly" around his girlfriend, and this "sounds like fragile masculinity". What's the guy supposed to do, then? Hide these feelings? Men are supposed to be impervious to pressure, yet sensitive to others
(I don't mean to imply that men have it worse than women – that is a game I really don't want to play. I'm just trying to draw attention to the balance-beam that we put men on. The ones that fall off end up hurting themselves and/or others. This is where shitty men come from)
Circling back to an older thread https://t.co/fJD4Tp4l2J
Many men grow up in Menworld, where you get bullied, mocked, beaten, threatened, etc for all sorts of minor transgressions (being too emotional, being wrong, etc). To those guys, those seem to be the rules of life; how the world works. The powerful take from the weak, etc