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Top request is "masculinity". My $0.02: I think most thoughtful people in modern civilization would generally agree that masculinity is experiencing a bit of a crisis. Maybe it's been a long time coming, maybe it's part of a cycle. Whatever the case, something is "off". https://t.co/S1Ez6L2sk5
First, here's my personal ideal of masculinity: I believe that men should be strong, smart and sensitive, so that they can create + maintain nourishing spaces that others can learn, grow and flourish in. https://t.co/n54W4S5TeL
Imagine a world of strong, smart, sensitive men. Fathers, coaches, friends. Men supporting and uplifting others. Men challenging one another, thoughtfully, graciously. Powerful, muscular men who smile, laugh, dance, charm, listen. Why is this not the world we already inhabit?
I could start by revisiting & flipping my ideals: Men are in crisis b/c so many of us are weak, insensitive, stupid. Instead of aspiring to nourish and support others, we are selfishly trying to conquer. If the battle for our hearts is between love and fear... many choose fear.
It would be very selfish to focus on men's fears & insecurities when talking abt the damage men inflict on women. But if we're having a conversation abt WHY men are like this, I believe this is at the heart of it. Fear. Men are scared, confused little boys causing great damage
So... what is this fear, and where does it come from? From what I've witnessed, men fear... insignificance. Impotence. Atwood said "men are afraid that women will laugh at them", & this is true! Men want to be respected, to be looked up to, & modernity makes it harder than ever
We don't really have any proper rites of passage these days, where a boy decisively becomes a man. (In SG, we have mandatory conscription for all 18yo boys... & yet there's a general sense that many if not most boys remain childish.) There's definitely a generalized anxiety here
And then we have social expectations. Broadly speaking, boys are expected to have sex to become men. Sex, which should be an intimate affair shared between lovers, has become... almost this promethean fire that a boy must steal from a girl. Boys will beg, cajole, coerce for sex
I'm reminded of this ridiculous yet very revealing chat exchange between a SG guy and a girl he barely knew. "can I bed you once?" "Can at least let me do abit? Please" Consider the worldview this guy has, and where he got it. He's not an exception! https://t.co/J9N3LKa41p https://t.co/lmil0ZnVFJ
This is intense motivated reasoning in action. Boys are so obsessed with the procurement of sexβ they are so afraid of being virginsβ that they will do anything to get it. This tunnel-vision (sorry π) often completely blinds them to the fact that girls&women are human beings!!!
This is dramatically worsened by the fact that boys have so little exposure to girl's & women's stories, POVs, concerns. The princess exists as reward for the hero, her main goal&motivation in life is to be fucked by the hero. Harrassment is charming! Boys really believe that.
However β even when we help boys appreciate girls' POVs, fears & concerns (and we are terribly overdue with this), the problem will not be solved. B/c of the intense motivated reasoning where sex is the holy grail that bestows manliness. Like Aziz, they will forget their feminism
I think we need to find ways to celebrate masculinity that are unrelated to sex. There need to be ways for boys to become men without sexual conquest. Where I think we're getting this wrong: when we shame boys for trying to become men. This leads to things like TRP and worse
Boys will always want to become men. So we can't just block existing paths, we have to design healthier ones. I think the hashtag #MasculinitySoFragile is actually quite revealing. What makes something fragile, brittle rather than resilient, dynamic? π€
For material substances, its rigidity. A similar case could be made for our outdated models of masculinity, which seem to be weakly, loosely cobbled together from movies, TV shows, sports etc rather than rigorously evaluated. We need people to think, argue, debate abt masculinity
Boys will always desire status, power, and yes, sex. They will consistently, predictably make LIFE-THREATENING decisions in pursuit of this. Men (and women) looking to rehabilitate masculinity will have to acknowledge this rather than handwave it away.
@visakanv My parents ran a coming of age ceremony for me at age 13, and it was a really cool experience... ...but it lacked the kind of cultural weight (and perhaps real danger/challenge) needed for it to actually be a seachange in my self-perception.
@visakanv Reflecting on it in this conversation, I'm noticing something: the ceremony involved me spending the day with a bunch of men in my life (family, a close friend, and my trumpet instructor and karate sensei) and going through a series of ordeals that followed an explicit story arc
@visakanv And the story was a fictional one, that they turned into a bunch of real challenges. (Similar to typical team-building-exercise / summer camp type things). Reading this story aloud, at the end, the boy unites the four corners of the earth and saves everyone... and gets the girl.
@visakanv And I remember asking out loud "wait, where's my girl?" So... even in the context of this world-saving narrative of finding oneself (I now think it was adapted from Campbell/HeroJourney) there was still (a) a very external rewards and (b) it was (implicitly) of a sexual nature