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I went to bed really early (for me) last night, at about 9pm. It's 335am and I'm awake. And I have some thoughts. To get ahead of myself a little, I wonder if this is what I subconsciously try to avoid when I perpetuate a cycle of late sleeping/waking. Being alone w my thoughts
At first glance that seems a little ridiculous. I'm an introspective person. I write, I journal. I love spending time with my own thoughts. But... maybe #NotAllThoughts? Maybe I use some known set of thoughts to distract myself from some other set of thoughts? (Seems accurate)
So, the thoughts themselves. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling... a basket of "negative" emotions. Anger, sadness, grief, frustration, impatience, disappointment. A meta-sadness of sorts at waking up to all of that. And a meta-meta for being late to this. You get it
"Here are all the feelings I haven't had time for in the context of my everyday life. They've been waiting for a lull moment to come to me when I'm alone and ready." And I feel a certain mix of gratitude and selfishness. "Who have I been, that my own feelings have been so wary?"
An impulsive thought: "these are petty, trivial feelings. I'm a working adult, I don't have time for this bullshit." But hey, it's 4am. I've got time. Let's hear them out for a bit. These are my children, too. If they want my attention, should I be so quick to say no?
And at another level I'm thinking, "Maybe this is what I've needed, what I've been waiting for." I was telling some friends recently that I've been feeling blocked, unresolved. Maybe this is it, maybe this is what I need to sit with. There's catharsis on the other side of this 🤔 https://t.co/uOrNmow4JR
These emotions feel... dated. Old, simplistic, childish. Reminiscent of teenage angst. I find myself thinking "I should be done with this sort of thing by now, I've got bills to pay, obligations and responsibilities to fulfill. Who has time for childish self-indulgence?" And yet.
I've read enough stories to consider the idea that there is a deep wisdom to integrating all aspects of yourself, including the parts that don't fit within your conscious State-self's central plan. Sitting with your childself doesn't mean becoming childish. Perhaps the opposite
In a way, maybe mindless procrastination is a way for the obstinate childself to get what it wants, when it isn't getting meaningful attention. Seems legit through a Games People Play lens. If AngstyVisa can't get what he wants then he'll hold both of us hostage. Can't blame him
I want to do justice to myself, to all of myself. I think these bits will be good to work through in essays, or fiction. In 2018 I want to be the most intentional, thoughtful, attentive version of myself ever. I want to grow into the nurturing person I've waited for all my life.