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Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Post-run thought: It's v important to curate your life. I've always known this intellectually but I'm not so confident about it in my bones

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

I'm thinking about how my home is still a sort of halfway house between the life I left and the life I want, and how it's been so for 4+ yrs

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

To some degree life is always a work in progress, but I think if we're honest with ourselves we know when a phase has overstayed its welcome

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

One of my oldest, deepest bugs is a hesitation to make decisions that will lead to imperfect outcomes. The older I get the more I hate this

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

To be tender about it I think it stems from a lack of trust in myself. Which is always sad to contemplate. Wrangling with this for 10+ years

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

The good thing is that I have made progress and there are glimpses of solutions. I've written 680,000+ words. I've squatted 90kg. I cook now

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

"I don't trust myself" isn't just a throwaway thought; it can be a statement that is well-grounded with volumes of historical evidence.

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

Sometimes people say things like "oh just change the language you use to talk about yourself" but that's just one facet of it

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

I mean, would you say that to somebody who says they don't trust a parent or spouse? It's complicated. There are multiple moving parts

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

Learning to trust yourself, I think, is something you have to enact, practice, embody. 2 things that have guided me are writing and weights

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

I remember when I was a tall skinny kid with chicken legs: I was terrified of the squat rack in the gym. Of looking stupid, hurting myself

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

(99% of dudes in 🇸🇬 are shorter than me, so if I want to use a public squat rack I have to adjust the height... I'd do it now if I had to)

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

Anyway I solved this problem by buying my own squat rack 😂 yes, I have a squat rack in a HDB flat. I consider it a major life milestone

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

Anyway to circle back - I'm trying to teach myself to trust myself so I can make bolder decisions to shape my own life

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

I recall a very specific, recurring thought I had when in junior college: "how can any of you trust that the system will take care of you?"

8 2

8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

This wasn't a cosmetic, fun position for me. It was correlated with a deep anxiety and I'm pretty sure I was clinically depressed in 2007

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

I'm doing pretty good now, thankfully, but I still think about this a lot

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8/17/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

There's a Taleb quote that goes "procrastination is the soul rebelling against entrapment". It can be misconstrued but it really spoke to me

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8/18/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

That said, "rebelling against entrapment" can itself become a habit that entraps you. (Story of my life.)

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8/18/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

I alluded to this in an essay with I think the best title I've written so far https://t.co/4MEiC3WIdL

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8/18/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

A phrase that's coming to me is "learning how to take direction". The goal is to be self-directed in a healthy way. How do you learn that?

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8/18/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

Again there are a few parts to this puzzle. You have to learn to identify good direction, and you have to learn to follow it

3 2

8/18/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

But nobody is born self-directed in a good way. All learning begins with imitation. Children learn from parents, peers, environments

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8/18/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

They don't necessarily learn what is explicitly stated on the lesson plan. Rather they learn what is implicit. It's subtle and overlooked

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8/18/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

I've heard interesting stories from peers who had great starting conditions and so never had to rebel. Radically different lives from mine

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8/18/2017

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 8 years ago

Replying to @visakanv

Being a misfit, while initially painful, CAN actually be a gift because you're forced to articulate who you are and what you really want

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8/18/2017