0144hrs. Was hoping to be asleep by now. Am not. Mildly troubling. I want to fix this. Will maybe post a few tweets to try to clear head.
Things are moving slowly. I keep having to recalibrate my expectations. Sometimes feels like I'm circling the same spot over and over again.
I was writing a word vomit and I caught myself writing almost verbatim what I had written on Jan 1st 2010. It's been 5 years. 1,840+ days.
I don't know how to measure my own effort. How do I know if I'm really trying? Am I trying my best? Am I running at 20%? 80%? No idea.
I am committed to fixing this. I don't want to be walking over the same old ground 5 years from now. Or even a year. 5 months? Weeks? Days?
I just feel like I'm never fucking good enough. Maybe I became an underperforming, lackadaisical underachiever to avoid dealing with that.
I used to mock the overachievers. Took me about 10 years to realize that underachieving is unfulfilling too. Life is tough for everyone.
My family's nice but I don't really relate to anyone. I ditched the people I called friends because I felt we were going nowhere.
I undertook this journey of sorts to face my own demons. I quit smoking. Started running. Eating healthier. I've written 230,000++ words.
I guess I feel like I've been working fucking hard- maybe it doesn't look or seem like a lot but it's harder then I've ever worked before, &
I just wish that I'd get some sort of intrinsic reward for it. That I'd feel like I accomplished something. I don't feel it. I feel empty.
I feel like I have an abusive subconscious that wants me to quit. Wants me to do what's easy, familiar, comfortable. Cajoling. Threatening.
I can't give in. I've been giving in for 10, 15 years. And it's a miserable life, which I tried to hide with nicotine and Internet points
I've installed some new software, though: "All of this is very touching. But it's all just cause&effect. Calm down. Figure it out."
The course has already been set. The goal is clear. The actions necessary are clear, and have been initiated. The pain is to be expected.
To my subconscious: I know you are far more powerful than me. I can't take you on in a fight, and I don't want to. I need you to trust me.
Tomorrow will be another day. There is work to be done. I'm going to do it. I hope you'll help, but I'm going to do it regardless. G'night!
