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I'm averse to posting about this I think because it basically amounts to Regret, and a cussed refusal to regret has been one of my core personality traits since childhood. I've always been very jealous of my in-the-moment joy and gratitude.
In high school and undergrad, I was surrounded by remarkable young women, and ofc I crushed on and fell for lots of them. Sometimes that went somewhere, but never very far. At that time I "knew" I would never want children, and marriage or even conventional dating felt square
I wanted to see myself as a Goldmund-style wandering lover, but I didn't have the boldness or the conviction to reach for that. In my heart I wanted something secure, but I couldn't admit that and articulate it as a goal or model to strive for
When opportunities arose, I didn't know what to ask for or what to offer. I enjoyed the connections for what they were, then they fizzled out and I was sad about it but tried to remind myself that this was supposed to be what I wanted.
It's funny to look back on how oblivious I was to that unalignment. I thought about it all the time, but I don't recall ever once even approaching a thought like "I'd obviously like to have a girlfriend, what steps would I take to make that happen?"
At field camp in my senior study abroad program in Tanzania, we went around telling our life stories at the bonfire each night. Someone remarked, "there're so many girls in your story" and I was surprised--I'd never had a serious gf, romance wasn't part of my self-concept
After I graduated, I stopped meeting women, so I stopped having crushes. I still had no goal to work toward, so I didn't feel the need to change that situation. I was living with my bff, socially and intellectually fulfilled, raising pet rats, happy as always
I was going through a process of ideological transformation in those years, but it wasn't until the first time I chaperoned the DR trip that I got jolted into realizing those changes would have big implications for my future https://t.co/ARXQ4pkk0D
One thing that got me to date was two years ago on the DR trip one of the HS boys told me "I can't believe you're single, looking like that." In practice that was wildly optimistic and I wonder if it was partly just because he was Afghan and having a beard isn't so bad for them?
tpot has been huge for me in that regard. It's the first community in my life where long-term, structured romance has been explicitly valued as a proactive, intentional project worth earnestly and uncynically investing in for its own sake.
That's where I started building my own vision of what might be possible and working toward achieving it. But now of course the problem is to find people who are lit up by that vision and invite them to share it with me. https://t.co/wOWx9GoURs
That's been the other component of my journey: rediscovering the part of me that found women so enthralling as a young man, and showing him what that can be like now that he knows what he wants and is secure in what he has to offer. https://t.co/F1aUiPEYxp
The troublesome dichotomy is that tpot is where my goal is valued, tpot is where I meet women who seek it, tpot is where people self-select on the things I want to see in a lover but unlike what some people report, I have been here 11 years and never had a "twitter crush"
Conversely, I've now met a few women in person I have great chemistry with, but they're generally not available for or interested in the kind of thing I'm looking for. That's dangerous for my feelings. Gotta be careful with that.
Outside tpot there's also an extremely strong negative correlation, growing as women who do want families leave the dating pool, between cultural compatibility w/me and desire for children. Almost inevitable that Hinge profiles that interest me say No Kids
you're such a catch and getting better every day, someday someone will notice and feel so lucky they found you vs there must be a reason no one seems to want you, and if you don't figure out what it is and fix it, you'll miss your chance
Sorry this thread has no conclusion, story hasn't ended, I haven't come to any new insights or strategies. Thanks for reading, here's a couple ghiblified toddler pics of me for your trouble https://t.co/e9wKARWTs6
The reason is usually being an outlier in some way; people closer to the mean find it easier to date each other. The great news is that there absolutely is out there at least 2-3 prospects who are compatible with your outlier-ness. Also, kind of crude, but maybe your wife is just 10 years younger than you and that's why you haven't met yet
Thanks for this very relatable thread. I had a number of long-ish term relationships, but in my 20s and early 30s had combo of not wanting kids + lack of seriousness that caused me to waste a lot of my (and their) early years. I also don’t like framing this (and don’t think of it) as regret. The more useful framing is learning lessons through experience. I’m planning to move soon primarily to get me in a city where the dating pool is more likely to have what I need to achieve my goal of a wife and kids in the compressed timeline I find myself with. I’m pumped! Best of luck to you, Adam!
@adam_kranz I resonate with much of this. My actionable advice is that your potential to expand socially IRL and meet women depends a lot on where you live, and I hear ABQ is tough for that. After you graduate consider carefully how much you value career choice vs other life opportunities
@adam_kranz my partner & I met when he was just a little bit younger than you. he'd never dated anyone seriously & just happened to join the same dating app I did for a trial month at the same time. we'll have been together 28 years this August. :) good luck!