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I used to think family was just abuse. Both my parents had abusive broken family backgrounds passing on a milder version to me. I have 3 children now untangling most of my issues. @calistan_ and @baoteching asked about it so I'll go into more details. https://t.co/7HDaq2DsC7
Experienced physical and emotional abuse. At one point my dad lifted me up by my sweater collar pinning me to the wall choking me. Told him I couldn't breath, told me I was lying. Decided to never hug my parents again.
The lack of physical affection hurt my parents. Especially my mom. She had to find some answer that didn't involve things she thought weren't in her control. Namely herself. Eventually she heard about autism and decided that must be it.
She started telling me all about autism how they behave and how they are really smart but just have a few social hang ups. I wanted to be smart and it gave me an excuse for my avoidant behavior so I picked it up as an identity.
Parents threw meds and counseling at behaviors they didn't like. I was too afraid to be open with the counselor. Knew that if they found out my true thoughts I'd be berated and told I had a warped sense of reality using the diagnosis against me.
Threw away the pills. They made me feel empty and dead with no appetite. The placebo worked for my parents though. Wow such improved behavior! I just hid in the background and let my 5 siblings get the attention. Kept busy with any extracurricular excuse to avoid home.
Eventually moved out, got a good job that provided more than enough drowning my experience in video games. But it was empty. Didn't help that I'd left my religion and saw the world as exclusively rational and objective.
Spent about 4 years online dating. Such horrible experience. Ignoring advice from friends to try to do in person events. Still had knots to work out. I was sure I understood myself but I didn't even know what I wanted out of a relationship. Aimless.
Was sure everything was fixed. Time to have kids! Turns out repressing is not fixing. First child was born a week before the pandemic. Unearthing all my childhood trauma and bad coping patterns. Overwhelmed by anxiety.
I was having anxiety attacks multiple times a week. I'd try to draw a warm bath to cope and just lay there shaking uncontrollably. I started tracking what triggered them. Eventually talking with a good friend we identified coercion as the root.
Started looking at my own behavior. Noticed I was controlling and resorted to coercion to get my way. These were the only patterns I had modeled to me after all. They had served me well in abusive relationships. But that was past.
Realized there was a fine line between manipulation and persuasion. I'd already been trying to build my persuasion skills but didn't understand the difference. @NoahRevoy's book helped me understand this. Enabling me to maintain other's agency while also having my needs met.
Coercion begets more coercion. When you remove control and agency from others, they'll do anything to get it back. Reciprocity. Humans are wired for it. Learned this from @ScottAdamsSays I appreciate his positive impact he's had on my life and family.
I'd also discovered meditation. I started becoming more aware of my body and mind connection. That along with Scott's nudging got me into exercising. I never imagined that emotional stability that could be gained lifting 3x a week. I lift 5 to 6 times now.
I still have little tangles and remnants of misapplied patterns. But now I have the tools of self transformation or "authoring my own reality" as Scott would put it. I'm in a happier place and can carry that forward to the next generation through my children.
I'm hoping that I can also carry that forward to anyone I or my whole family interacts with. The world is what you make of it. The more people that can understand this, the greater capacity for love we'll all have.