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i do not have anything useful or valuable to report back to you after having spent half a year off twitter. the flip side of insulating myself from a million random psychic influences was strengthening the effect of my own mind on myself, which has been uniformly terrible. when i am left to my own devices it turns out i am a stupid, lazy, passive, weak-willed coward. most days i can’t think or breathe clearly. i have been procrastinating on renewing my driver’s license for 6 months because the thought of interacting with a bureacratic process fills me with terror. most things fill me with terror. my food sensitivities have gotten worse to the point that i can no longer eat at any restaurants except sushi restaurants and i only cook a single meal for myself repeatedly, with no variation. i spend my days much like i spent them during grad school, desperately searching for distractions to prevent me from experiencing my own body and mind. i think constantly about every single way i have failed in life, which is all of them. i am about to turn 34 and all i can think about is how much of a failure it makes me, to be 34 and to have nothing, no wife, no child, no career, all things my father had by the time he was 32. earlier in my twittering i was powered by a certain morbid fascination with my own pain, its brightness, its volume. i know i am old now because i no longer find my own pain interesting, it is just pain and it just hurts now. apparently i have been sitting the wrong way my whole life and it is crushing my belly and weakening my ability to breathe, but sitting the correct way makes me too aware of my body and then i am paralyzed by fear and guilt and shame and despair and other things i no longer have the curiosity to find words for. this is a metaphor for all of my other problems. other people seem to have an ability to move on from setbacks that i completely lack. i don’t think i’ve ever gotten over anything in my entire life. i do not understand where strength or hope or courage or just the bare stubbornness required to decide to stop caring and do something else are supposed to come from. hurts and disappointments and heartbreaks stick to me like tar and do not come off and i’m sick of it. the only thing worse than continuing to suffer and stay paralyzed is the idea of reaching out and asking anyone for help. there is a part of me that stubbornly insists that i have no friends and there is no one close enough to me to owe me the kind of help i need. i don’t even know what kind of help i need. i have been incapable of maintaining friendships for years. on some level i have still not relearned how to trust anybody. the thought of asking for help simultaneously fills me with shame about the depth of my problems, dread about the idea of entrusting someone else with them, and the obscure sense that this is just another test i have somehow failed in life. when you play a video game and you mess up a run as badly as i’ve messed up my own life you are supposed to quit and start over. but as far as i can tell you can’t do that irl. so i guess i’m supposed to do something else but i can’t figure out what that is for the life of me. i am so unbelievably tired of talking about myself. one day i’d like to talk about something normal and concrete and real, like turnips, or plumbing. anyway how’ve you guys been
@QiaochuYuan Pain that isn't for anything is the hardest to bear. Life will be painful regardless, so finding ways to contribute to others becomes important. You've contributed positively to my experience even though our interactions have been brief. I think you have much to offer.
@QiaochuYuan A good friend once said to me, “I don’t know, I just feel like everything in my life isn’t how it ought to be.” I asked her, “well, have you tried changing everything?” In all seriousness, changing ourselves is very difficult and slow. Changing our environment is easier.
@visakanv @eshear unfortunately: https://t.co/QuukhmJuMS
@QiaochuYuan hey qc :) it's wonderful to hear from you, even given all this. your writing is so clear and delightful, no matter the circumstance. if I had good advice I'd offer it, but who knows what words can do anyway
@QiaochuYuan Possible cure for stomach stuff for like twenty bucks https://t.co/58fkGy6mit
@QiaochuYuan sorry. realizing this may have come across as harsh. you might say i’m something of a failure myself. you got housing, right? and access to food? a running toilet? safe environment? then you can bounce back. when you hit rock bottom, the only way to move is up
@QiaochuYuan bruh you listened to me at bampot when I was having a really hard time, and that really mattered to me you're one of the few people who knows a hell of a lot of context on my weird life decisions https://t.co/WStAlpPR2h
@QiaochuYuan @mimi10v3 yeah, it turned out that this "extremely niche meme" is the most widely relatable thing I've ever posted https://t.co/q7o584cL1A
@QiaochuYuan I wish we knew each other better because you are a vibrant and lovely person with a lot to give the world. I love you & want the best for you. I am always in your corner and I want you to become the person you can be. If I can help with any of that in a direct way, let me know 🙏
@QiaochuYuan - buy a ticket to treeweek rn - your food sensitivities aren't just that, they're also repressed emotions, above all loneliness - the legible stuff you "failed" at is overrated - life is impossible - there's no scoreboard - i found the way out of a very similar spot, so can you!
@QiaochuYuan Damn, dude! That sounds like despair. I don’t have a cure handy, but the fact that you’re writing this is a good sign. All our paths are different, and some of them are unimaginable to the rest of us. I know you’re going through a tough time. “Keep going,” is all I can say. 🫂
@QiaochuYuan I'm late to this thread. Not even your post, but it's super heartening to see the love that got poured out underneath of it. You're welcomed back, you were missed. No easy solutions, but hope is worthwhile, and a constant
@QiaochuYuan agh i'm sorry man that sounds awful (completely relate to not being willing/able to ask ppl for help) one thing that i found helpful that might be relevant: my therapist pointed out that my standards for myself are way too high, i focus on my failures, and i dont-
@QiaochuYuan -celebrate my accomplishments. she basically has had me write down the most milquetoast possible to do lists, things i KNOW i can accomplish barring some unexpected interference. like, embarrassingly simple-for-me things. if it feels like the bar is too low, it may still-
@QiaochuYuan -be too high. i'm trying to let myself feel satisfied by accomplishing these pathetic little goals and--idk if this is a problem you have but i always try to accomplish things to the point of failure and then fixate on that failure-
@QiaochuYuan the other thing that's helping me is i've decided to stop trying to like, globally fix my life. i've tried a bunch of medical shit and ignored the "focus on exercise and sleep and diet" thing bc these felt like a luxury i couldnt afford bc i was failing so badly-
@QiaochuYuan the main result so far is that this gives me a v clear, very large set of things i'm just not allowed to care or think about at any given time. i think that's actually the most helpful thing in my case, overthinking is catastrophic for me
@QiaochuYuan some of the replies here are so heartwarming 🥹 there's something about you that evokes this warmth from so many people. hope you can trust that and believe in that, and also let the love in. thank you for being real, sending you love 💛