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Richard D. Bartlett@RichDecibels• almost 2 years ago

starting to think it might be extremely counterproductive to build a model of the self and of psychological healing on a foundation of "all the ways my parents let me down"

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Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

@RichDecibels focus on…

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Angular Ocean@AngularOcean• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

@RichDecibels Choose agency or choose victimhood

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Richard D. Bartlett@RichDecibels• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

my parents approach to emotions & relationships was largely determined by the childrearing norms of 60 years ago comparing their actions to contemporary expectations is like making a test specifically designed for them to fail

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Richard D. Bartlett@RichDecibels• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

the list of things my parents did not do is infinitely long if I want to find reasons to be disappointed in them, I will never run out of material. and as a bonus I get to avoid taking responsibility for myself!

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Richard D. Bartlett@RichDecibels• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

but notice what happens when I ask instead, "what were the functional strategies my parents used for [handling strong emotions, showing approval, resolving conflict, etc]?"

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Richard D. Bartlett@RichDecibels• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

those strategies make up my earliest programming it's a lot more useful for me to work with them, rather than getting stuck perpetually mourning all my unfulfilled wishes

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Forth ❤️‍🔥@forthrighter• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

@RichDecibels once we get past blindness to the importance of our upbringing a lot of us get mad next (why were they so bad, how could they do this to me) - going to understanding and empathy for them makes sense

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Forth ❤️‍🔥@forthrighter• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @forthrighter

@RichDecibels most people know their parents as old people, not the 20s/30s struggling people who didn’t know how to raise a child which is who they were when all this went down

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Forth ❤️‍🔥@forthrighter• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @forthrighter

@RichDecibels you can start to see a ping pong effect. “Ohhh mom felt X and responded by Y which made me feel Z … now how am I going to choose different now?”

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Forth ❤️‍🔥@forthrighter• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @forthrighter

@RichDecibels generational echoes - I’m not bold enough to claim they can be undone, but gentle curiosity helps for sure, instead of intense “in-it-trapdness”

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Aleksi Liimatainen@aleksil79• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

@RichDecibels mental models considered harmful but how the heck do i point to the nonjudgemental nonconceptualizing yet still purposeful and discerning mode that takes place instead

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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

@RichDecibels Definitely agreed overall. And I think in particular, having clarity of where trust was broken/betrayed is really important, partially because it’s empowering - in processing it, I can better understand how to trust and how to protect myself going forward as an adult

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Vivid Void@VividVoid_• almost 2 years ago

Replying to @RichDecibels

@RichDecibels You don't need accountability for forgiveness, but it sure makes the process smoother, and makes repairing the bond a lot more likely in the long run

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