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just had this conversation with my mom, centered around "not only have i been blind to the suffering of my mom, but i've contributed to it" https://t.co/WXNTybPfLK
i basically said to her "because reasons". but i was only able to hear it today because i had done this stuff in the weeks leading up to this trip https://t.co/WNbG1JzqVa
which led to this, which led to actually being able to listen rather than seeing red https://t.co/k2H3xZhWmS
which led to realizing that the hurt that she causes me is the exact same as the hurt that i cause her https://t.co/vzVU7B3Jsi
back to the actual conversation - i told her "for not hearing your pain for so many years, 我對不起你" - something like "not only am i sorry, i am in your debt (sort of)". how much suffering have i not only not shared, but not acknowledged, or even denied/made light of. i cried
we went to how i behave when im triggered. i said that when i'm angry i turn into a werewolf https://t.co/FTqvWGLviu
i suggested that we were both werewolves, she was resistant to that lmao. i (wisely) abandoned that train of thought, said that whether or not she is isn't the point of our current conversation and pulled us back
i shared that i have some internal stuff i can do myself, which im trying to do (didnt share specifics but that this bucket exists) https://t.co/z5kJcYlxtA
i shared the sequence of events - when i start getting angry, i become a werewolf - i'll say things that hurt her (not true with anyone else but not the point) https://t.co/J2Q2ZeCKZT
so she can help by collaboration with me in ending conversations before that point (boundaries!!!). and she agreed to try to help!!! https://t.co/TxWoSi90X5
i also wanted her to see that my intentions were good - to end the conversation before i said something hurtful from anger (tho i was too late). she seemed to acknowledge this, which is good enough for me
the circles were her expressing disbelief/shock/pain around this. think i've again opened up a can of worms above my pay grade, that's very painful for her to be with. https://t.co/y0n29V38qP
i go (too) deep and share about a part that doesn't believe in her care for me. it was above my pay grade and led to pain for both of us. good news is that it led us to seeing our therapist, which we leveraged to massive effect, and eventually got resolved https://t.co/SlKBc1pc9A
we'll see how i handle it. maybe i'll try and do it ourselves? might not work tho. easiest (maybe necessary) would be to get therapist support. last we spoke of therapist she was not down, but we'll see https://t.co/hkX4UEAiMf
at the end i shared that i had something that i want to share with her, but feel to afraid and insufficient trust in myself and her to share. asked her if she'd be willing to have the conversation with our therapist, to which she said no