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Ruriko: So when do we register with Chicago? Me: We don’t. R: So how does Chicago know everyone who lives in Chicago? Me: It doesn’t. R: … Does America have a government? How do you even do population statistics?! Me: Count every ten years. R: You ARE TROLLING ME.
The last few minutes have been her working through the implications for every benefits program administered locally, with increasing levels of horror. Ruriko: Wait you mean Chicago Public Schools literally does not know Liam and Lillian exist unless we tell them that. Me: Yep.
Ruriko: So there’s no form to tell them that we are putting our children in private school? Me: No form. Ruriko: So if a child is just not enrolled they… Me: Hopefully are seen by truant officers who will eventually cause someone to ask about the circumstances. Ruriko: TROLLING.
Ruriko: Next you’re going to tell me the national government doesn’t have a record of everyone who lives here. Me: In practice it does but in principle it does not. R: WHAT. Me: It is considered politically unpalatable to create a list of all citizens and/or immigrants. R: WHY.
Ruriko: But if city hall doesn’t have a record of us living how will your employer be able to identify you to them to pay taxes for your account. Me: They don’t keep accounts that way. Employers don’t do taxes, though they will do withholding. We will self-file and then if…
Ruriko: … Is our marriage even legal here?!? Me: Yes. R: Where did you register it if not city hall?! Me: Nowhere. R: Then how does America know we’re married?! Me: When relevant, we say so, and they say “OK then you’re married.” R: WHAT. Me: Doctrine of comity.
Ruriko: So if we got married here we would have… a piece of paper. Me: Yes it’s called a marriage license or somesuch. R: We are unlicensed. Me: Yes but only in a very technical sense. R: Can we get a license? Me: No. R: What. Me: People w/ existing marriage can’t get married.
Ruriko: What if I have to demonstrate the fact of the marriage somehow? Me: Well there’s a boring technical answer involving apostilles to authenticate a series of records which would allow an American judicial process to recognize Japanese records but in practice…
Me: … everyone just takes your word for it. Ruriko: … You are dealing with all of this American nonsense. Me: Had a feeling I would be. Ruriko: … How do you do health insurance? Me: Hah funny you should ask. Let’s have that conversation when you’re calm and sitting down.