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it took time to get in touch with the rage. i really bury it, i have to really sit with a memory, talking it into life to evoke it, and once i was in touch with it there was fear of expressing it, getting blended with it, or getting consumed by it. and a desire to hedge it
to access the rage, i sat with "i was just a kid. i trusted her to protect me. she betrayed me. and she convinced me that it was my fault. how dare you abuse the trust of a child, what is wrong with you" https://t.co/R62Xo3I9z2
my rage said that if i didnt express it - if i'm being attacked and i just take it, repeatedly - i would end up a spineless doormat. which is, in its opinion, exactly where i am today. "taking it" like a little bitch. it's not wrong
it wanted to attack. it wanted her to feel the pain. it wanted to put her in her place. now that i think about it, ive fantasized about eviscerating her since i was in middle school. i want her to know that she doesnt get to hurt me like that https://t.co/bU0L2XQRdX
At least part of my rejection of her evisceration is that I haven’t given myself permission to eviscerate her (or anyone else) yet. And I also haven’t fully given space to the pain she’s caused me, to truly forgive her. This is a big part of wanting to do this work https://t.co/p9jpnmYmr8
i felt some nervousness/unease after saying all of this from the rage. which reflects my continued discomfort with hurting people. im not in full ownership of the aspect of the rage that wants to hurt my mom, even just in those moments. i think maybe i should do IFS on that part?
i felt like IFS isnt the ideal container for stepping into embodying anger. i think i was/am attached to this kind of container for it - in a group, with embodiment orientation. i wasnt going to do this over zoom https://t.co/X87hWp1MJB
i wanted to surrender but was aware of my dad in the next room, and having care for alarming him. i ended up telling him i was doing some anger stuff and moved to the garage, after which i was much more able to relax and surrender
i felt a lot of heat in my hands and forearms, an increasing amount as the session went on. as we moved to the part that the rage was protecting, i actually had the impulse to express the rage in the form of punching the air a lot
it didn't feel very satisfying. when i came back, i noted that it actually felt more like bleeding energy than expressing/moving something substantial, like masturbation https://t.co/F76xS3FMbl
but we moved to the part that it was protecting. i felt a lot of sadness for this child who didn't have any options other than to continue coming back to this caretaker that would hurt him. the rage called it naively trusting, it called itself love and safety wanting
i reasoned that i dont want to get rid of the fear, but rather to unburden it such that when i feel fear its appropriate to the situation as a 30 year old, rather than also colored by decades of a 4 year old's fear
something weird happened in the middle though, harry asked what it was that i actually wanted to unburden, and what came was actually the idea that the toddler had to crawl towards the scary graveyard. i had an image of the toddler simply turning and going somewhere else
i dont have to keep crawling right back for more pain. i can simply choose another direction to go. i think this actually does address the desire to unburden the fear, because it also suggests that i dont have to be so afraid of my mom, i can simply go another way
and also that if im truly cornered, that im allowed to stand up for myself. to fight for myself. and even if im not truly cornered, that there's nothing wrong with the rage, that i can express it, especially in another container that is safe