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The tragedy is that my dad and I have both bent over backwards trying to protect her for decades, yet she canāt see it, though certainly we have fallen short of her needs in many ways (that Iām trying to learn to do) https://t.co/uG0q9IFKRN
Itās why it brings tears to my eyes every (rare) occasion she acknowledges it https://t.co/4x78jvTT2Y
Sheās like the corporate ladder climber that says āif I just get one more promotion lll finally be satisfiedā. Sheās looking for all the answers, the protection out there. Sheās never gonna find it out there. The hole is inside, as are the answers, the safety https://t.co/rhkRdnwUDA
The only pathway I know of is for her lifetime of pain, hurt, fury, grief to be witnessed before hopefully Thereās the space for something new to emerge https://t.co/7pGfeFGYQE
Iām beginning to think that everyone telling their stories fully enough to let go of them is a prerequisite to getting to a better world. I wasnāt able to truly hear someone elseās pain til I had heard my own https://t.co/QXVwEspQTq
The problem is that thereās a whole bucket that is related to my dad, who I love. Itās hard for me to hear her eviscerate my dad, and the second I respond with anything but Self energy, she perceives me to be āon his sideā, and Iām suddenly lumped in with decades of rage/pain
Thatās what happened this last time, and I think why the rift has lasted longer (multi days). Because I actually think that largely for matters between just her and I, we can communicate pretty decently
At least part of my rejection of her evisceration is that I havenāt given myself permission to eviscerate her (or anyone else) yet. And I also havenāt fully given space to the pain sheās caused me, to truly forgive her. This is a big part of wanting to do this work https://t.co/p9jpnmYmr8
My hope is that one day (soon) Iāll be able to hear her pain and hurt with genuine compassion. And that Iāll be able to do so for other people also. Not sure if itās possible or not but weāll find out
Perhaps thatād be enough to start moving this stuff, and maybe we could share relevant bits with various family and friends, so the people in her life could understand her more deeply https://t.co/r82Z544rrH
I was recently asked why I do all of this, and the answer is simple - love. I love my mom. And Iām getting better at being clear about thatās truly the place Iām coming from vs something else
Update: still got work to do on this front https://t.co/C7zeIMADHW
part of the tenderness is the sadness of being misunderstood. but i think it also indicates a lack of purity in the gift of the effort - there's some strings attached, namely being acknowledged/appreciated for the effort. part of me definitely says "she should be grateful"
@justavagrant_ ah man this is brutal i kind of wonder how possible it is to really hear someone's pain if you know they wont hear yours (which is sounds like she isn't)-- this could be one of those cycles where someone has to be the bigger person but in a parent/child relationship...
@goblinodds I think this is common in relationships with a power dynamic, like parent child or manager employee. And my experience so far is that itās possible if the receiver has sufficient support of their own, to have their own pain heard, and to do so cleanly without building resentment