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both here https://t.co/PnwAyz7due
Ok feeling pretty clear now about what was going on here - I think there were a few components - fear towards the person, anger towards the person, and anger towards @RichDecibels (though paired with curiosity/excitement), and confusion https://t.co/gu2tuOq2nT
and here https://t.co/PSD14kdpaS
i also felt angry from perceived pressure to justify myself, to clearly state my position on complex topics ive been wrestling with my entire life. i dont have to justify myself, and i dont have to know. it was an anger of self love, of rejecting shoulds https://t.co/DMdbcctIVt
and part of it is actually the confusion due to a lack of internal clarity. and frustration layered on top of "i should have internal clarity". the challenges were largely on the topic of cohesion, connection/disconnection, both how i relate to it and what helps a group
in the 2nd case, i felt anger from boundary violations, which is also an anger of self love - that i need to protect myself https://t.co/lS4Wfm8HVs
i also felt defensive anger here, from perceived external and internal pressure to accept X. I don't have to be accepting of X - again rejecting shoulds ("i should be accepting of X") https://t.co/gXhkjA7c6H
Digging into these instances of anger is quite revealing - the majority of the anger was really stems from self love - of protecting myself and being kind to myself. In tender parts I definitely still "should" myself
Which reveals parts that are likely still burdened - the parts of me that really wants to know/feel assured in my relationship to how groups work, to pain/discomfort, to anger itself, to extending unconditional acceptance/love
one way to interpret is that the anger is telling me to unburden those parts, to really forgive and accept and love those parts, and to live it. including by letting them exist in public, rather than suppressing them
im wary of going into "i SHOULD protect myself more and be kinder to myself", becuase that just adds more layers of confusion - "War can’t teach peace. Only peace can." https://t.co/GZ9m5r9WVa