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out the gate was a bit of lack of awareness, where i was actually cohosting the session, but since i had hosted the session right before it, i kind of just launched in. i shifted to a back seat once realized and apologized to my cohost later
i remember feeling something like "oh shit what am i doing again? better just jump into it and then no one will notice". in retrospect i think just taking a moment between sessions to ground myself and adjust to the new session's context would have been valuable.
in the session we had initially suggested talking in triads, so breaking the 7 people into 2 groups. but people in the session suggested staying in 1 conversation and going in a round, which my cohost and i both felt fine with
in retrospect, splitting into the smaller groups would have almost certainly led to a more productive discussion, in at least 1 group. unclear to me if the overall outcome would have been better though (read on for more)
the first round of shares felt ok - my perception was everyone shared their perspective on "positive" gossip (the prompt we offered) and there was at least some semblance of a shared conversation that was happening
over the course of the discussion, which moved to popcorn style, i started feeling more and more lost and confused. a few times i paused to try and slow down the conversation, which maybe helped only a tiny bit
in the closing round, someone offered a meta reflection that it seemed like we were all using the word gossip to refer to something different, which pretty much everyone resonated with. so id say we spent much of the discussion talking across each other
i came in with an idea of kinds of gossip and how they affect a group, where im primarily concerned with how much they contribute to connection/cohesion vs disconnection in a group (which i implied normativity around in my initial framing - good/positive/healthy vs bad/negative)
so i dont think i was super attached to my perspective, and yet i also openly acknowledge how easy/habitual it is for me to fall into a debate frame and try and "be right" https://t.co/6ESMowEssK
i think i was also actually sort of triggered in the discussion. someone with whom i had had existing tension with shared views of gossip that ive found hurtful and disconnecting in my life. i think i projected anger about those past instances into the moment
i distinctly remember an image of 2 girls in my junior high/high school that i perceived to be always talking about other people, and feeling, in retrospect, quite unsafe and in fear that they would be shit talking me too. ive never processed feelings towards them
i appreciated the openness here, and part of me relaxed a bit (generally in the closing circle). i think naming dynamics of the discussion, and this one in particular, helped me understand why it went the way it did.
someone in the circle, in the meantime, very skillfully followed up on the share with asking them about their experience, and revealed some of the pain behind the desire to be mean. this helped soften me
there was pain there about not feeling allowed to be upset, wanting to disconnect, in pain/discomfort. i see how suppressing that sucks, and could see how suppression might come out sideways like this
but was missing the point of what was actually going on - which is that one person wanted to be seen and understood for their pain, and another person wanted to be seen and understood for their anger, and neither was in a position to offer that for the other
i was moved by seeing what was behind the meanness, i wanted to have and express some compassion for it, and was appreciating how this situation concretely showcased my immature relationship to pain and discomfort (ie i dont want it and its capital B Bad) https://t.co/Fc1qkd2owt
where the anger was the anger of feeling like my boundaries were violated - i have no problem with someone being angry or judgmental or mean, or even expressing it to me, as long as im consenting to it. i didn't consent to this
its a pretty big ask to expect someone to be able receive meanness and expect them to respond from a place of groundedness. why is the expectation of groundedness, acceptance, and thoughtful response on me, rather than the person expressing to just get clearer on themselves?
i think one important observation/assumption is that both people are trying their best, and not to blame (which im actually now noticing as implicit in my previous tweet - i think symptomatic of still feeling defensive)
i think its worth reiterating in the context of power here as well. as a facilitator, i have greater responsibility, and i intend to do my best to hold the people im leading with care, eg https://t.co/8WOG01oU9E
i was moved by seeing what was behind the meanness, i wanted to have and express some compassion for it, and was appreciating how this situation concretely showcased my immature relationship to pain and discomfort (ie i dont want it and its capital B Bad) https://t.co/Fc1qkd2owt
but i also wont accept shame for being bad for faltering in my attempts. where i also perceived a pressure of "you're not accepting enough" (both externally and internally from myself, probably from the Self like part)https://t.co/vduw7ujIn2
i think another important feeling here was confusion - "why me?" https://t.co/9T6gLemCib
over time i started to see that that this interaction was allowing this pent up, very alive pain/anger to move. i was much more able to see and embrace this as being valuable after the session ended.
i felt some pride in myself for being able to reframe. i felt some gratitude that i could contribute to a space where it could move, even if i hadn't consented to it up front. i felt some relief to see something moving. even as i was still suppressing https://t.co/4SxdI5yplS
i came away feeling confused about what all had gone on, which im now thankfully unpacking. i also felt a bit dejected in not having had the conversation i had hoped to have, as well as feeling like i have a lot to learn as a facilitator
i think the most concrete thing is to continue healing my relationship to things, such as being the target of meanness, so that i can embody genuine acceptance of it and approach it with curiosity when i encounter it https://t.co/iJb8MODjO3
i think i was also actually sort of triggered in the discussion. someone with whom i had had existing tension with shared views of gossip that ive found hurtful and disconnecting in my life. i think i projected anger about those past instances into the moment
there was also anger from being perceived that i was bad because i struggled to accept something - just as you're not evil for being X, i'm not evil for struggling to accept it https://t.co/tWeqVKSGYD
but i also wont accept shame for being bad for faltering in my attempts. where i also perceived a pressure of "you're not accepting enough" (both externally and internally from myself, probably from the Self like part)https://t.co/vduw7ujIn2
i had a sense that i was being perceived as an authority figure and paying for the sins of other authority figures in this person's history. which i might be open to in a certain container with certain agreements, but not out of the blue, at least not til https://t.co/X74dFwjNfE
i think the most concrete thing is to continue healing my relationship to things, such as being the target of meanness, so that i can embody genuine acceptance of it and approach it with curiosity when i encounter it https://t.co/iJb8MODjO3