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Ok feeling pretty clear now about what was going on here - I think there were a few components - fear towards the person, anger towards the person, and anger towards @RichDecibels (though paired with curiosity/excitement), and confusion https://t.co/gu2tuOq2nT
Anger towards @RichDecibels - I felt like words were being put into my mouth and I was being caricaturized, and I actually do care what he thinks/feels about me. (DW we hashed this out IRL already)
And I was feeling confusion because what I felt initially in the circle was fear, but was provoked in the direction of anger (like “what are you angry about”), so I kept trying to look for the source of anger when there wasn’t anger to begin with, it only arose after
And there was the part of me that was actually quite excited to be in the center of attention and for the opportunity to explore and work with anger, and appreciative of the provoking role, which I am personally so fond of
part of this was defensiveness/being triggered, about being called out on something that i see myself as knowledgeable about but not having the answers, in an ego/reputation preserving way reminiscent of school, ultimately about status i think
and part of it is actually the confusion due to a lack of internal clarity. and frustration layered on top of "i should have internal clarity". the challenges were largely on the topic of cohesion, connection/disconnection, both how i relate to it and what helps a group
the reminder that i'm still not there yet, in terms of cohesive understanding, was a bit painful, and feeling attacked for it brought up anger as well - i'm allowed to not know, stop trying implying that i need to
some defensiveness also came from not feeling very settled in how i relate to pain and discomfort. ive only started really chewing on it recently, and definitely dont feel like i have a mature/nourishing relation to it https://t.co/EAqNlAnap1