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Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Did some circling today and allowed myself to just stay with what was going on internally, maybe for the first time? And a there was a pretty strong sensation of anger

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

Usually I like digging into what’s going on for other people, but I wanted to explore what was going on for myself for once

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

Was trying to stay with the anger and feel out what was really there but had trouble naming what it was throughout

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

Part of me was clearly angry about someone disconnecting

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I definitely have some residual fear around someone disconnecting from me, but it really didn’t actually feel that alive in this relation/moment

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

My current best sense is that I’m constantly projecting my experience with many of my close friends from home

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I watch people (friends) disconnect and they act as though loneliness is inevitable. It’s so frustrating!!! You’re doing this to yourself, this is why there’s a loneliness epidemic, help me help you

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

And with them, beneath that is of course the sadness of less connection with them, and the sense that they’re unhappy/dissatisfied, and feeling some fire for them - “you deserve better”

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I also have many experiences of friends saying that they appreciate that I continue to reach out to them, even when they aren’t responsive for a while.

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I’m also very familiar with how tensions and conflicts can drive apart groups. Something in me definitely said “do you realize how hard this is? I’ve been trying to weave together groups for a decade and a half”

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I think I also saw my mom, when in tension with my dad, would intentionally do things to piss him off. I don’t think I trust others to do differently

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I think part of the anger was also about feeling (somewhat intentionally) misunderstood - I have no problem feeling disconnected from someone if that’s what they want

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I just feel out of integrity when I don’t make 1 extra step to offer an olive branch. If someone doesn’t accept that’s their business

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

There’s also something in here around perceiving Tpot to be gossipy, not trusting in the degree of self responsibility that people take in talking about others, so actually not feeling that safe with disconnection

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7/21/2023

Johnson (Seattle Oct-Nov, Taiwan Dec-)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

Yeah there was something in there about feeling patronized - “You don’t think I can handle some disconnection? Who do you think I am? Who do you think you are, accusing me of that?”

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7/21/2023