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When I have power in a group, formal or informal, it makes it harder to discern when people build rapport/closeness with me because for safety vs because they like me vs romantic interest https://t.co/6Ucdjmtlry
General problem: high status person (in any domain - social, professional, economic, spiritual, etc) reifies their status. They suffer from loneliness and not feeling seen/understood, as they are pedestalized, resented, objectified.
It exacerbated my insecurity around not feeling like I can accurately judge someone’s interest in me, I think stemming from this https://t.co/Zd330rHlS0
Shooting a shot in a context with interdependence (eg we’ll continue seeing each other) requires a lot more trust, at a minimum to talk about if we’re cool, and to trust that conversation
At the end I could have shared that it hurt, but I didn’t. But i don’t think i sensed open hearted ness, or at least capacity or sufficient lack of caretaking. I’m glad I protected myself actually
I’m also noticing yet again this frustration that reads something like “I don’t even get fucking chances because I’m Asian”. I think I have some processing to do around racism, and particularly my time in university
There’s a question why the response was “I don’t want to lead you on” rather than “let’s see”. Although I guess I’ve made judgments of who I discern it isn’t worthwhile to pursue something with.
Just a bummer for my sense to be so off? Although at the end there was a brief “you’re super cool, want to be friends” exchange that felt sincere. Hard to not wonder what the gap between friendship and romantic is (and not go to race)