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Today I finally remembered and named what I think are the core memories from which our difficulties arose - many times as a child, we would disagree, she would yell, I would go to my room and cry/stew in anger. My dad would come and console me
Getting yelled at as a kid creates fear of “does my mom still love me”. Compounded over a decade+, the answer crystallizes implicitly into a “eh maybe not” https://t.co/BPpfWZGHGa
This is on top of the way that she communicated in disagreements: focusing on explaining herself, which I perceived as a lack of acknowledgement/care for my wants/needs, as well as gaslighting of “you shouldn’t feel sad/angry/bad”
She didn’t realize how critical the move of hearing/validating/comforting was for me, because she never learned from her upbringing/society. Although she had some sense - she sometimes sent my dad to do it!
I also didn’t realize how difficult it was for my dad to play middle man. I let her know that dad sometimes did take her side (though still consoled and validated me) https://t.co/CcvDn3Uj6w
Mediating between a spouse and a child is apparently hard with a lot of important bits - hearing, validating feelings, listening for the feelings/needs underneath (are you actually just afraid that your moms yelling means that she doesn’t love you?)
But I’m infinitely grateful for my dad showing up when I needed him https://t.co/Hp5HOJwpgG
Unpacking these memories helped me understand how I contribute to one of our most common understandings - talking about something, she starts talking in a way I label teach/preachy/explain-y, feel frustrated because I assume she’s dismissing me/everyone else https://t.co/ValfEVtR2S
Forgot how factual, recounting-y these threads are. Just want to call out that after she said this I cried for half an hour, and I still get teary every time I share this story IRL https://t.co/Jmg5nub0DP