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there are 3 kinds of expectations 1. anticipations—what you think will happen 2. entitlements—what you think ought to happen 3. the third kind—what you can ask of someone i struggled with the third one most of my life, and it cost me https://t.co/eE6V0ipCge https://t.co/tcO261ug6u
if im feeling bad or left out by a friend or partner, what can i expect? what can i ask for? i didn’t know. on one hand, asking them to change their behaviour felt wrong, and reminded me of being stuck in a codependent relationship with my parents
that’s pretty specific phrasing. weird, huh https://t.co/MZqUW1Qv0g
for me, these were the opposite sides of the codependent dynamic i had with my parents they would have expectations of me, about changing my behaviour, and i would flare up. antagonise. make them bad for having had those expectations. i truly think i terrorised them
at some point, i started reading this book called Queen Bees and Wannabes for parents of young daughters, and there’s this page that changed me here, in clear language, was spelled out what i could ask of friends, intimate partners, parents
Bill of Rights for Friends https://t.co/nwvaCtvMFG
if a friendship felt like it was waning, it might not be right to expect someone to invite me, but i could expect of them to hear me out, and listen to how i feel about it https://t.co/3NZ4B3upHP
previously, i would try to hide my expectations from people, because i was afraid there are so many fears: - what if they get mad at me? (then i can’t leave, and ill have just made the situation worse) - what if this is an unsustainable expectation? i won’t have any friends?
this paragraph sticks out to me >If and when your daughter makes the decision…it’ll be a very lonely time for her. She may know that she has made the right decision…but that’ll be only a small comfort. It takes incredible strength… Praise her courage. https://t.co/pibiSf4arv
this is not something you can just do. it takes incredible strength of character to be willing to step away. you need people there to stay with you. you need a mom, or IPF or friend, or a sense of self that sufficiently informed by those experiences that it’s okay
having expectations includes with it the very possibility of having to step away from the start this is why so many people refuse to have them https://t.co/P6tMxGTntK
anyway, here is your sad Avril Lavigne song of today https://t.co/15z9L77JVA
@AskYatharth This resonates, I’ve been thinking lately that perhaps the minimum viable condition for friendship is mutual care - not needing to do anything per day, but at least caring about how the other person feels