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there are 3 kinds of expectations 1. anticipationsāwhat you think will happen 2. entitlementsāwhat you think ought to happen 3. the third kindāwhat you can ask of someone i struggled with the third one most of my life, and it cost me https://t.co/eE6V0ipCge https://t.co/tcO261ug6u
if im feeling bad or left out by a friend or partner, what can i expect? what can i ask for? i didnāt know. on one hand, asking them to change their behaviour felt wrong, and reminded me of being stuck in a codependent relationship with my parents
thatās pretty specific phrasing. weird, huh https://t.co/MZqUW1Qv0g
for me, these were the opposite sides of the codependent dynamic i had with my parents they would have expectations of me, about changing my behaviour, and i would flare up. antagonise. make them bad for having had those expectations. i truly think i terrorised them
at some point, i started reading this book called Queen Bees and Wannabes for parents of young daughters, and thereās this page that changed me here, in clear language, was spelled out what i could ask of friends, intimate partners, parents
Bill of Rights for Friends https://t.co/nwvaCtvMFG
if a friendship felt like it was waning, it might not be right to expect someone to invite me, but i could expect of them to hear me out, and listen to how i feel about it https://t.co/3NZ4B3upHP
previously, i would try to hide my expectations from people, because i was afraid there are so many fears: - what if they get mad at me? (then i canāt leave, and ill have just made the situation worse) - what if this is an unsustainable expectation? i wonāt have any friends?
- what if im trying to control them, and theyāll secretly resent me, and i wonāt get what i want? - what if i have to acknowledge this connection that is really important to me is not willing to treat me right?
this paragraph sticks out to me >If and when your daughter makes the decisionā¦itāll be a very lonely time for her. She may know that she has made the right decisionā¦but thatāll be only a small comfort. It takes incredible strengthā¦ Praise her courage. https://t.co/pibiSf4arv
this is not something you can just do. it takes incredible strength of character to be willing to step away. you need people there to stay with you. you need a mom, or IPF or friend, or a sense of self that sufficiently informed by those experiences that itās okay
having expectations includes with it the very possibility of having to step away from the start this is why so many people refuse to have them https://t.co/P6tMxGTntK
anyway, here is your sad Avril Lavigne song of today https://t.co/15z9L77JVA
@AskYatharth This resonates, Iāve been thinking lately that perhaps the minimum viable condition for friendship is mutual care - not needing to do anything per day, but at least caring about how the other person feels