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initially tonight i wanted to listen to her share about my grandpa's passing https://t.co/qSYvBLNPYq
i was tipped off by the topic of my grandpa on my dads side's passing, and my role in it - an event that has been on my to do list to truly hear her out on. i asked if i could pause to make a note of it, but if we could dig into that a different time
we went through the pain and anger she felt from her mom's passing, and how that remained unresolved when my grandpa passed, and so she took the opportunity to show my dad how much what he did hurt her so that he could finally understand her pain and anger.
i kept getting stuck on the anger she was feeling. could not for the life of me empathize with/understand why she felt so angry about my dad saying that nobody flies across the world over the death of an in law (obviously not factually true)
this part of the conversation was a lengthy slog because all i could get out of her was basically "fuck dad he shouldn't have said that, how could he say that, who says that". just trying to empathy guess the whole time (only slightly successfully)
but respect kept coming up and i could not for the life of me understand how dad saying that he didnt want to fly across the world for the death leads to disrespect, much less why that matters (would be open to some ideas/interpretations/enlightenment)
but as this unfolded, i slowly realized i've actually never understood why this filial piety respect thing is so important to my mom, i've just always thought it was dumb and destructive and alienating in relationships and sought to eliminate it from my life lmao (i wonder why??)
so i started digging in - what would happen if when i "disrespected" her she just let it slide and was like whatever doesn't matter? why cling to the rules?i have a growing sense that it's psychologically massively load bearing, so of course it would be important to her
this part of the conversation was also difficult because she stayed on the object level and kept trying to explain the principles of how filial piety works, who can say what to who. as though i didn't understand the principles that every asian has understood since they were 5 lol
what she would corroborate (between trying to explain how filial piety works) was that theoretically following the system creates a lot of psychological safety for elders - anything hurtful is labeled disrespectful and is not allowed to be said to them
she also corroborated that passing on the culture of filial piety is itself important for her, from a meaning/purpose perspective, i imagine of being a "good parent" also. and i imagine extra so being an immigrant wanting to keep the culture/identity alive
one she mostly denied was a losing face sort of thing - that tends to needs like belonging, community, safety, etc. not sure if really believe her lmao but it's not for me to judge. but maybe in play
she also talked about how people don't know what it's like until they have kids themselves. i imagine there's some projection of how painful disrespect was for her to experience, so she wants me to understand it deeply so i can pass it on successfully and not feel that pain
i still dont think i have a full grasp of why respect is so important to her (totally open to perspectives!!). but i think i definitely have more appreciation than i did a few hours ago, and it might help me understand the respect based anger she felt towards my dad and aunt
update: unlike this other story, she still references this one. i think its a clear indication and reflection of still not fully "getting it" https://t.co/hIcY559Ku9