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i asked her if she would be willing to do what she had done last time - not speaking until i asked her response (didnt end up happening quite as effectively as last time but thats ok) https://t.co/fxNYeDLFoJ
i started off rehashing the last time i had asked to talk to her and for her to listen, where i talked about how it's difficult for me to feel love for her and receive from her. she was a bit impatient about why i was rehashing but i told her i was getting myself back into it
i told her i felt scared of her, that i have since i was a kid, and it lives in me even literally today, when i walked in the door and she expressed anger that i hadnt picked up the phone, because she needed help carrying heavy groceries (i was biking home)
i feel scared that any disagreement we have could lead to her saying hurtful things to me and major disconnection. which leaves me to feel unsafe around her https://t.co/QjRgznCS8T
i shared this with her https://t.co/ywxbByjyHk
i think at this point she went to her well worn line about filial piety, seniority, etc. and how i need to treat her with that kind of asymmetrical respect (and implicitly if I don't then I "deserve it"). it was hard to hear
i told her that if she insisted on the asymmetrical communication standard, i could accept it but with a lot of sadness. with it, i would never feel safe around her, and as a result, never be able to feel the depth or quantity of love I want to feel towards her
it was really hard to hear. it felt like she was basically saying "you deserve it". i managed to squeek out a few times "it sounds like you're saying that you only react that way when it's really serious"
at some point i managed to pause for a bit, and shared that that wasnt my experience. my experience is that for something like being careless with a vacuum cleaner as a teenager, or simply existing during our month long family trip, (cont) https://t.co/LjsS8TQiFp
at any and all times despite maximum effort to simply avoid an explosive conflict, inevitably i would end up setting her off and hearing that i wasn't good enough, that she didn't want me as a son, etc., and extended (days, weeks) of disconnection (often cold shoulder)
she continued to explain. i think here i really slowed down. sat with my eyes closed and asked for a moment of silence to gather myself. i noticed that i was feeling the desire to defend and argue, and that i didn't want to do that.
i reflected that she really wanted me to know that she would only say hurtful things in that way if she was feeling really hurt herselfi realized she was going into things that she felt incomplete on - moments in our history that she felt like i hadn't really heard her about
i was tipped off by the topic of my grandpa on my dads side's passing, and my role in it - an event that has been on my to do list to truly hear her out on. i asked if i could pause to make a note of it, but if we could dig into that a different time
around this time the conversation turned. at some point she had mentioned in passing that she needed to change too, to let me know if she was feeling disrespected, that it shouldn't all be on me. i thanked her for saying that. huge. i felt serious relief and gratitude
it meant a lot to me for her to acknowledge that she had a role in our dynamics, and for her to actively take responsibility for it and want to change. i've always felt like it was always on me to make all the changes in our relationship
she said that she couldn't believe she never thought of it until now, that she had been wrong. she doesn't want to be like grandma, where what she says, goes, and there's no room for discussion or other peoples preferencesi believed the regret in her voice
and also that we can heal after we inevitably hurt each other with words in a heated argument. i fear coming back to taiwan for a month, we have an argument, she doesn't talk to me for a few weeks, trip's over. there's not enough time for that https://t.co/oQVDbhyrbK
even more, i fear her sliding in a depressive/suicidal spiral. we'll cross that bridge in another conversation. that's this one https://t.co/vbXXzcPRwz
I came away feeling like it wasn't all on me, we're on the same team and working together to make our relationship betteri feel a little safer and willing to be courageous being authentic with my mom, not constantly guarded with numbing, escaping, NVC tactics to create safety
but i want to do it. it's gonna take a lot of courage, but i'm tired of feeling afraid of my mom. it's time to finally feel love for herhttps://twitter.com/justavagrant_/status/1622538078589181952?s=20