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Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Yesterday I was witnessed and held, sobbing in a group setting for the first time that I can remember, at this men’s circle

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

Only other times I’ve sobbed in a group setting was my grandfathers funeral, but everyone was sobbing then; and at the residency where other people were in the same room but in a pair exercise

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

The first half of the circle was spent doing breathing, making sound, moving forcefully, embodying wild man and warrior archetypes

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

Eg for a while we imagined a little circle around ourselves and embodied protecting it

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

In retrospect I think this actually helped me relax into the container, trusting that these were all men that could protect and take care of themselves

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

We moved into a sharing circle, and I shared that I felt a lot of fear outside of the exercises. I’m seeing my mom soon, and i was afraid what would happen if I asserted my boundaries aggressively with her - I have decades of pent up rage, condescension, resentment

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

The 2 hosts invited me into the center, and a man volunteered to take the place of my mother. He stood across from me

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

We then went through this (ridiculous acronym lmao) https://t.co/j6JSAsJIyo

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

When we got to voice, I started yelling things like “it’s not my responsibility” “you need to take responsibility for yourself” “it’s not my fault”. It wasn’t super natural for me so I needed some encouragement. Mostly not awkward though

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

After expressing all that anger, they asked what I wanted to say. I said “I love you and I know you love me”. Then we moved into a hug

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I felt some movement inside and leaned into it. I started sobbing on his shoulders.

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I just want to love my mother and feel her love. Why is it so hard? Why is it so hard? That’s the question at the root of a bunch of grief, it still tugs on me as I write this

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

The rest of the men came in for a group hug and we wrapped up

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I’ve spent years talking about my relationship with my mom from my head. All the understanding, the sadness, the compassion, all came from up there and never a felt sense. Except occasional flare ups of rage

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

This is the first time I’ve actually felt like I could express feelings about my mom and it feels exceptionally unblocking and healing. And Im pretty sure there’s a lot more to do

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

But I genuinely feel at least a little more open hearted towards her now. My body felt really relaxed at the end

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

It feels easier to cry now. I have an extremely strong dissociation/numbing part/impulse going back to childhood interactions with my mom, and it feels like I’m a little better able to access feelings than this time the day before (vs talk about them as though I’m feeling them) https://t.co/u0lgQcgopN

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

I legit cried tears of happiness today, rolling down my face, driving to the airport. In the past it’s at most been wet eyes

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

The men’s circle is called brotherhood of kings and they’re starting a weekly online meeting also, which I fully intend to join. Lmk if you’re interested and I can hook you up!

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I’m going to do sessions with one of the organizers while in Taiwan with my family. It’ll be invaluable to have a space to express the inevitable big feelings that’ll come up with my mom. This was actually one of my biggest worries with my plan to work on our relationship

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1/18/2023

Johnson (TC House Lisbon -Dec)@justavagrant_• over 2 years ago

Replying to @justavagrant_

I’m starting to fantasize about doing the same thing but being held by my father and cousins. If it was possible it feels like it could be incredibly healing. We’ll see

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1/18/2023