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🧵 Thread (18 tweets)

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

one of the weirdest sorts of conversations i would have (still have) with my parents is “i’m cold” “no you’re not” “…”

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1/7/2023

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

“i’m tired” “how can you be” “guess i’m not tired 🤷‍♂️” https://t.co/m0f7tXrFwR

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1/7/2023

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

to get someone to respond to me like i was cold (i need a jacket, turn up the heat) i’d have to like convince and manipulate them it was sensible eventually i learned to skip the actual feeling and communicating to manipulating altogether

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1/7/2023

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

why would i bother checking how i really felt? i imagined the outcome i wanted (get a jacket) and reverse-engineered the inputs that would get it i thought this is what interacting with people was

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1/7/2023

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

another way to phrase this is i thought my job was to manipulate people https://t.co/dde1gCncN6

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 3 years ago

i thought my job was to provide this perfect interface to other people https://t.co/gfTHHypVeD

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

so maybe it makes sense now how revolutionary this idea is https://t.co/KYpPVCEqSx

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

keep learning that staying connected to myself is actually the thing that makes me the most trustworthy

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

it’s not that they didn’t care. it’s that they were incapable of noticing my moment-to-moment feelings instead all we had were these cognitive models of what i could be feeling and i manipulated those

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1/7/2023

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

those models kept us largely safe, fed, and not bleeding what they didn’t do is teach me there was a reality to my existence and body that transcended manipulating others

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1/7/2023

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

feelings find reality in being responded to https://t.co/315jU7uYUO

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

what would it mean for feelings to be real if not a single person, including me, responded to them?

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

the same way, my inner child is finding reality in me responding to it

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1/7/2023

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

awww i just remember i had this tweet from two years ago that was really important to me wild that.. my body feeling cold and me responding to it felt so wild to me 🥲 https://t.co/yDVpGMn9Uh

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 4 years ago

Let’s get object-level. I walked down the street and asked myself if I was cold and stopped to button down my jacket. It sounds stupid, but I nearly broke down in tears.

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

https://t.co/hoWbLtsUGp

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

it’s wild to be sometimes 5yo me just wanted to be less cold and he had to do this whole manipulation sequence for it https://t.co/sZHTFbJHFn

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

luckily 5yo isn’t with them anymore he’s with me. i have a whole different philosophy

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1/7/2023

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i conjecture there is more than one of me like this here who learned feeling was futile, who missed mirroring of existence, who skipped to manipulation i don’t think i’m the only one

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

another example https://t.co/fnsZmJFnlN

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• over 2 years ago

privacy wasn’t really a thing in our household to convince my parents to not make a fuss out of a closed door, i would have to say “oh i’m talking to my girlfriend” instead of “i’m incredibly activated and triggered right now, please stop, i am in fear”

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Ra is DJing at Cascade Camp 9-12 to 9-15@slimepriestess• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

@AskYatharth oh i definitely learned this in more than one way over the years and it's still a mode i find myself defaulting to out of habit sometimes

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1/7/2023

Elena Lake 🌿@relic_radiation• over 2 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

@AskYatharth well damn maybe this is why we have so much in common one of my visits to my fam in the last year I mention "I'm stressed," first thing dad says "no you're not" and I'm like 1. wtf 2....did I grow up in this??? woah. might explain why I don't remember much

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1/9/2023

Elena Lake 🌿@relic_radiation• over 2 years ago

Replying to @relic_radiation

@AskYatharth luckily my parents were easy enough to keep off my back, and mostly left me alone - even to the point of, err, abject neglect - but the conversations we did have went like that. so I dipped outta there asap & sought my fortune elsewhere

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