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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

there's a pattern i've noticed with friendship group drama and i'm wondering how accurate my assessment is: rule #1 is nothing must threaten the cohesion of the group, and this thing i've observed seems to follow from that rule

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9/30/2022

goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

in any group conflict, there are perceived to be two parties-- the aggressor and the v̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶ person who starts the drama this is because if the victim just rolls over and takes it, *there is no conflict to be seen*

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

rule #1 is the group must maintain cohesion: a victim who *doesnt roll over and take it* is a threat "why don't you just try to get along?"

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

meanwhile, the aggressor is SURE they're in the right. the victim somehow harmed them and had it coming, etc. the aggressor is VERY LOUD about this

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

group gossip channels are flooded with conflicting information ime, the way people present information often caches out to this--

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

victim: idk, maybe it wasnt a big deal and they didnt mean to hurt me but i feel really bad about it? i dont know what to do meanwhile, aggressor (or people siding with them): victim is garbage, i can't believe they would do this, i am obviously correct

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

when i cant get convincing information, this is how i decide who's the one that actually needs protecting (some aggressors use standard victim wording, but i havent encountered anyone who, afaict!!, was clever enough to do it convincingly--their ego usually shows)

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

anyway, now you have two roles that feel conflicting: victim - STARTED THE CONFLICT, but has no conditions aggressor - group cohesion is now conditional on this person's happiness

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

and ime what inevitably happens in these situations is the majority of the group turn to the victim and go "why cant you just let it go and stop making a big deal?"

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

this might feel counterintuitive. couldnt you solve the problem by giving the aggressor a talking to?

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

no! rule #1 is NOTHING MUST THREATEN THE COHESION OF THE GROUP the victim is the one who "started it" the continued cohesion of the group is now dependent on appeasing the aggressor

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

there are two likely outcomes from here on out the victim gets booted (possibly taking one or two close allies with them) or the victim rolls over and eats shit and is ~forbidden from ever bringing this up again but at least they get to stay in their "friend" group

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

that's the other way i identify victim/aggressor, in lieu of other data the person who gets ostracized was almost always the victim from the start

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

i suspect there are counterexamples and that there are aggressors who are such clever manipulators that they can convincingly take the role of victim... but WHY WOULD THEY? it's a losing proposition

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

anyway, every drama i can recall having been party to or hearing about second-hand has followed this pattern 🤷 curious about everyone else's experiences/thoughts on this

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

i think the speech patterns to look for here stem from the fact that the aggressor is acting on ego, trying to maintain their image, while the victim is a conflicted mess and trying not to step on any toes and is often reluctant to point fingers https://t.co/9i8aI484iL

goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

https://t.co/oFXPP5UdJK

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

ofc this leaves the question of how to handle it, which admittedly can be complicated, especially if you care about group cohesion (which imo shouldnt be a priority) https://t.co/ghZ02OsYaQ

goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

imo the way to handle it is to make the victim feel as welcome as possible if the victim wants the rest of the group to stop associating with the aggressor, that's a red flag--

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

if there arent any conditions under which the victim will accept an apology from the aggressor, also a red flag (depending on the offense, ofc, but i'm thinking of minor blow-ups that turn into huge dramas)

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

ideally the aggressor realizes that their bullshit wont be tolerated and comes around and was just heated and doesnt behave like this as a rule and makes it up to the victim and everyone is fine (imo this wont happen if there are zero social consequences if they *dont*)

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

the sort of social consequences i'm thinking of here-- if there's a stalemate, the group probably has to play "child of divorced parents" until it reaches a new equilibrium? usually what i see if the victim sticks around is the group carries on as usual and the victim--

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9/30/2022

goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

has to tolerate hanging out with the aggressor and pretending to be comfortable, if they want to continue hanging out with the group but what should imo happen is sometimes the group should do separate events, and--

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

when you have one of those situations where someone wants everyone to know "i'm not going if they're going" that's a sign that the person making this demand should have lower consideration

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

maybe my answers for this are garbage though, idk, bc i think once you're in one of these situations your group has already disintegrated, it's just a shambling husk now lol

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

https://t.co/zxjZbIwz1t

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

i wonder how much of this comes from the victim not having good boundaries and not knowing how to deal with 1:1 conflict? but i expect it plays out the same way in cases where they talk to the aggressor and the aggressor isnt interested in peacemaking

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

https://t.co/PTHfrajXaN

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

https://t.co/uH2HcLiMev

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

related!! https://t.co/Ly39Evx1ui

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10/1/2022

goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

letting people save face is super important for resolving tensions-- https://t.co/NnUiueP9a2

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Danielle Fong 🔆@DanielleFong• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

@goblinodds tbh this sounds like a pretty toxic dynamic

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @DanielleFong

@DanielleFong oh absolutely

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Danielle Fong 🔆@DanielleFong• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @goblinodds

@goblinodds anyone does this shit around me i am just going to peace out

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goblin waifu@goblinodds• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @DanielleFong

@DanielleFong lol i've done this on two occasions and have no regrets

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