๐งต View Thread
๐งต Thread (11 tweets)
the main cause of failing to do this afaict is having an overzealous self-other boundary that includes the other person and then says "I would never make a mistake like that!" and then tries to correct their behavior with our own principle bruh, they're not you!
letting people have their actual understandings (even when they're misunderstanding you) letting people try an approach (even if you know/think it won't work) letting people have their triggers & neuroses (even if they make no sense to you) = all forms of acceptance & respect
the sense of "I would never make that mistake in the first place" leads to not just correcting but trying to rushedly unmake the mistake https://t.co/BgaedkeTyx
I'm mostly talking about an immediate triggery flinchy response here, not longer slower dynamics, though it does apply there too very common when people are less differentiated: - parents correcting children - husbands/wives correcting each other - mentor/guru correcting trainee
trying to prevent someone else from making their own mistake has a cost *sometimes* the cost is worth it; if you don't intervene, they'll burn the house down, or cause some smaller destruction to your or their property (or bodies) but there's still a cost!
and in those situations, it's important to be clear that *you're* the one not willing to bear the potential impacts of their learning process (as you perceive it) https://t.co/Cn7kRCTrjK
or explain to them what you understand and let them decide if they're willing to bear those impacts! but then if they seem to be, notice if you suddenly grasp because you're not, and own that as yours. it's real, it matters. (tho they may choose to disregard it)
notice that in order to do that you have to really slow down and open up a dialogue you can't do that in the flinchy reacty mode and if the fire is very imminent, maybe there isn't time for that. this does happen but is way rarer than we usually believe.
and re "letting people have their actual understandings (even when they're misunderstanding you)" this isn't about allowing them to persist in misunderstanding you. it's about accepting that, for the time being... they are! that's reality. gotta start there to resolve it.